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I think my boyfriend has turned me into something of a musical elitest- like... I used to listen to basically nothing but contemporary stuff. Indie. Alternative. Now I puke at the concept at so much of what IS 'modern music' and instead find a kind of solace in old records- in his knowledge of music.... he's like a fucking musical encyclopaedia who can reel off musical family trees- anecdotes, tidbits and what have you... I think his philosophy is that music, like art, is pretty much dying a death and that the BEST we can do if we want to find the gems, is to dig, dig, dig. IN many ways he's right. So much old music- a limitless amount of it - exists and is ignored by the masses.

I wonder if in this age of allowable individuality- why there seems a generic thread in what so many people do and don't like...

Mmm. I'm feeling weird tonight- can you tell? Hmm. I'll tell you what I do like though:

Bettina, Bettina, Bettina...

Isn't that set so fucking good? It's been quite a while since I found myself melting into a puddle due to a hot classy lady with come-to-bed eyes... Maybe it's been too long. I wonder about myself. My life. The state that I am in (I don't know whether to give myself to sin or providence, let alone both) and just... just everything lately.

My bloody family and friends back in Ontario barely get in touch, if they do it's in the form of a shallow monologue, either whining about their petty problems or telling me what I'm doing isn't the right thing- so they may as well not bother... I'm stressed about my portfolio, about my job which barely a week into I can barely stomach, not to mention the fact that my poor boy is getting dragged along backwards by my endless mood-swings- and I DON'T wanna be DOING that to the poor guy...

Don't you hate being afraid that you're not enough for someone you really just want to mean the world to?

I think I go from feeling overtly sexual to just feeling like wrapping myself up in a cocoon and not letting anyone near me- finding the biggest, frumpiest ugliest clothes to wear like a 'keep away' sign to anyone who might convince me - or try to - that I should feel like being either physical or to... think about my body.

Do you ever just wake up and feel like you're in the wrong skin? What did I think I'd look like ten years ago? Where did I think I'd be? What do you do when every side of bed is the wrong side to wake up on?

Sometimes I wake up feeling okay, sometimes even beautiful- Today I woke up feeling stupid and clumsy and weird-looking. I don't wanna feel like that. I wanna feel how Bettina LOOKS- like a fucking classy forties Hollywood starlet with perfect eyeliner and the most erotic of suggestive sideways glances...

Maybe it's time I hauled out my corset and knee-highs...

Sometimes, maybe, that's about as good a solution as any.....