Ever feel so lost within yourself?
Thats what I've been going through the past few days. It seems I am trying to even keep up with the person I've created myself to be.
My old self, the child from years ago, dead...all that seems to remain is the mask he put on. The mask of the person he craved to be.
An illusion is all I seem to be anymore. I've completely lost who I was in who I wanted to be. To be that accepted kid who knows everyone. That boy that could get the girls he wanted. That child who still had ambitions, and a life that was seemingly non-stressful in appearance, acceptance and impression.
Looking back on the youth I was, I dont recognize him. Its like looking at a picture of someone you once met. You see their characteristics, you remember a moment or two but you remember nothing about them. You barely recognize them now. Then you discard the thought.
Well, I guess I put on the mask and never took it off until I became that mask. I want to remember what I was like, what I felt and who I was. The price you pay for a new life I suppose.
"Hey little boy, want a life you've been craving? Do you want what everyone else has? Well I can provide it to you, for a small price...your life at this moment. No refunds"
Whoever said "Looking back is useless, only look to the future" was full of shit. I am the future of my oldself and I dont know if I like it. I wonder where that boy would have went if he hadnt strayed. I wonder what he would think of me now. I wonder if he would recognize me...or see anything of himself in me.
Would I trade my current life to be him again? Probably not. Would I have made the same choices? Probably.
So here I am, the illusion. By choice.
Thats what I've been going through the past few days. It seems I am trying to even keep up with the person I've created myself to be.
My old self, the child from years ago, dead...all that seems to remain is the mask he put on. The mask of the person he craved to be.
An illusion is all I seem to be anymore. I've completely lost who I was in who I wanted to be. To be that accepted kid who knows everyone. That boy that could get the girls he wanted. That child who still had ambitions, and a life that was seemingly non-stressful in appearance, acceptance and impression.
Looking back on the youth I was, I dont recognize him. Its like looking at a picture of someone you once met. You see their characteristics, you remember a moment or two but you remember nothing about them. You barely recognize them now. Then you discard the thought.
Well, I guess I put on the mask and never took it off until I became that mask. I want to remember what I was like, what I felt and who I was. The price you pay for a new life I suppose.
"Hey little boy, want a life you've been craving? Do you want what everyone else has? Well I can provide it to you, for a small price...your life at this moment. No refunds"
Whoever said "Looking back is useless, only look to the future" was full of shit. I am the future of my oldself and I dont know if I like it. I wonder where that boy would have went if he hadnt strayed. I wonder what he would think of me now. I wonder if he would recognize me...or see anything of himself in me.
Would I trade my current life to be him again? Probably not. Would I have made the same choices? Probably.
So here I am, the illusion. By choice.
are you feeling any better? I sure hope so. I definately understand what you're going through right now. Life can be so trying sometimes, and it's so easy to let it effect how you function. Hell, I would love to throw my computer out of my window when Autocad stops working for me, for example. But instead, I just take a break of some sort. So you should take a break as well... so come on over and watch Out Cold with me sometime