So what does it mean to really love when all that happens is destruction of ones heart??? I mean pain seems to be the only thing that occupies my heart. It seems that I love and then I loath. Which one sounds better. I loved someone like I have never loved before I let every wall down and she ate it up like a pariah. I am not a fucking toy with which to bend and shape at will but I let her. Sarah seemed to be the only one that has ever got into and behind my defenses. To her love is lust she will never know love and that is sad apparently an addict can't crave anything but the things on their list. Apparently love isn't one of them. Replacing sex for heroin I guess is her way of coping. All the while the black widow sank her teeth into my heart and killed me again and again. So where to go now?? I date and I just lose interest really quick. No one seems to sway my senses. I wonder if there is an end in sight. Probably not. SHe will never truly know the level of love I showed to her and her daughter. That in itself is sad. To be alone is the worst curse I can think of. So I guess it isn't worth my time to think of anything just school and myself. Be selfish for once don't always try and save everyone save yourself. The ship is sinking. Fuck I hate life sometimes. To many fucking curveballs. 