My depression is evolving. It is taking on a new form and a new tone.
Instead of self-loathing and a need to numb I am finding nihilism. I am really starting to believe that absolutely nothing matters. I spend more and more time thinking about the fact that sooner or later I'm going to be dead. And once I'm dead, everything I will have thought about and spent so much time and effort on will be of no relevance to anything. I have lost faith in humankind and think it really is just a matter of time before this race destroys itself, if not everything else. And I no longer believe that is a bad thing or matters about anything at all. I do not believe in God. I do not believe in an afterlife...
And i don't know if i can change the way I feel. I figure if I'm going to continue existing, I should try and make the best of it, but it's real hard to do that when you feel like nothing matters. When i feel that way, all i want to do is eat, sleep, and fuck. like any animal i suppose. I'm hoping, in time, this will become a beautiful revelation that will put me at peace with the world and my very existence, so that I may carry on in a way that makes me happy.
But til then, it's dark. And it's scary.
Instead of self-loathing and a need to numb I am finding nihilism. I am really starting to believe that absolutely nothing matters. I spend more and more time thinking about the fact that sooner or later I'm going to be dead. And once I'm dead, everything I will have thought about and spent so much time and effort on will be of no relevance to anything. I have lost faith in humankind and think it really is just a matter of time before this race destroys itself, if not everything else. And I no longer believe that is a bad thing or matters about anything at all. I do not believe in God. I do not believe in an afterlife...
And i don't know if i can change the way I feel. I figure if I'm going to continue existing, I should try and make the best of it, but it's real hard to do that when you feel like nothing matters. When i feel that way, all i want to do is eat, sleep, and fuck. like any animal i suppose. I'm hoping, in time, this will become a beautiful revelation that will put me at peace with the world and my very existence, so that I may carry on in a way that makes me happy.
But til then, it's dark. And it's scary.
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you dont need to think about life and dead this way. i used to think about dead so many times, and i wrote really so many poems about dead and people who are dying. it was pretty hard times for me. i had to get those feelings out of me. so i wrote those poem. i am not able to show them to you, because they are wrote in czech language. i wanted die soo many times. i wanted die young so the people would remember me young and pretty... i did o many things. and then i had car crush, and when i ran from the car and my backbone hurt me so much. my boyfriend was crying and hold my hand, and he keeps saying: "honey, please, dont die... dont left me.." and this time i knew that this wasnt my time.. and i am told him "i am not dying..." i knew it.. i think that you will found when your time will come.. so you should enjoy your life as much as possible. for example - i believe in reincarnation, so i am trying my best in this life. i know how i died in my last life... and also i believe that every thing in the world must happened, if you will skip it, it will happened another time in your life. everything has its own reason
and now for your message under my blog.
i tried to find happiness so much time before i tried antidepressants for the first time. and i was pretty sad the most time in my life. since i was on primary school. then i met my psychiatrist for the first time and i was so happy to met her. i dont like pills at all. and i have many friends who realize that i am taking antidepressants and then told me that its evil and i have to try something more natural. but i dont think that i am so brave to try it without antidepressants. sometimes i miss some of the pills. i did it few times, because i though that i can beat it without pills.. but then i was mad, angry, bad and crazy... i was crying and kicking around and was bad to my loved ones..
about the running to new york - sometime i have feeling that i have to run away somewhere really far away and starts again till i still have some time...
hey, you are the same age as me, and also you are libra, i think that we have something in common...
have a beautiful day
xoxo