I realized today that I very likely suffer from a complex that I once thought to be totally bogus:
I am afraid of success.
I, today, realized finally that when I had the opportunity to grab something I've been genuinely wanting and ACHING FOR for weeks, months, or maybe years, I created an out... And for once, it was so blatant and so blunt that I could not overlook it even if i wanted to. I knowingly and intentionally avoided something that I've told myself I've been dying for. Because I do not want to have it...
I think I have been sustaining myself with the illusion that only something distant and unattainable could ever make me happy. It's given me the ability to have ambition and to dream big. It's given me the ability to work through difficult times and never give up on dreams that seemed to be ready to die. You see, the grass is always greener on the other side. And so long as you are not ON the other side, it looks beautiful..
So I suppose it is my fear that once I reach these long-dreamed goals, I will find myself exactly where I started. I will find that my fabricated idea of success and happiness will in fact leave me feeling as empty and unfulfilled as working in a Domino's Pizza, a screw factory, or a coffee shop.
i think i might actually be doomed to live like this forever. how can you find happiness if you don't even know where the fuck to look?
and then a followup from today
I think the fact is i never really know what can make me happy in the moment. I have found myself just sitting doing nothing, or anything to pass the time. i do things that don't interest me for hope that they will bring some sense of newness or color to my life. I can't stop fantasizing about things that i don't have. I see the patterns. I totally believe that the only things that could bring me out of this are the things that are just beyond my reach. It's such an easy way of rationalizing being unhappy. and in order to get those things i usually have to do things that are destructive. like spending money
it's probably why i'm buying a new guitar amp when I simply shouldn't do it. But i honestly believe that having it will change things, because it will open up doors for me and let me feel more creatively free and just return me to a place where i feel free. and while i honestly inwardly believe that to be true, i'm starting to think that maybe that's just a way i trick myself. Because if i spend my money on something like that, i won't have money to do other things, like travel, or move to another country, or any of a million other things.
i find myself drinking regularly, though i can't really convince myself i actually enjoy it. i smoke pot knowing that 90% of the time, I end up wishing i hadn't. Sometimes i feel that eating something indulgent will make me feel good, but afterwards I always feel like shit about myself and wish i could throw up or reverse time. But every time, i honestly think that it will be a good experience. And when i try to deny myself these kinds of choices, I just feel shitty, because i feel shitty to begin with and don't know what to do about it.
so yeah. haven't a fucking clue what it is that could make this change. Any of the things i instinctively think will help, i've learned from experience won't. Any of the things that my rational mind tells me will help, I can't find the SLIGHTEST urge to actually do. It's funny how it seems my subconscious mind actually wants me to stay unhappy, instead of guiding me to real solutions.
but you're on the run
Well you either end up having your dreams unfulfilled if you dont go for it and probably feel empty. Or you try and it not work out and you feel empty. You may as well try.
PS You're awesome Dan