First I wanted to write about my self-loathing. About how I look down upon myself both for not being other people, and then conversely for wanting to be those other people.
Then i felt I should write just the opposite. I wanted to boast to the world about everything that I am and why I am more than meets the eye.
But I didn't believe in it. And so i wanted to write about how i wish NOT to write about such ridiculous things that i do not truly believe. How i wish not to so badly need the approval of others because self confidence should exist within and needs not validation.
And then i felt stupid. As i often do. So i decided to do what i do best, and that is tell you what I was thinking. Not what amounted from my thoughts but just the thoughts themselves. I think that is of greater value than any of the garbage i generally contrive.
I started reading a strange book. I cannot understand any of the language. It is above me. Yet i know of someone who understands it, and I am jealous of them. I vainly want to be that kind of person. The one who is not like myself in any way, but not in a way i can understand. I call them geniuses. I think some people are geniuses because they are the ones who are beyond my comprehension. In a way i guess that's vain, because it would imply that i know and understand everything of "normal" people.
I want it all. I wish to be universal. I want to experience everything and feel it and know it so that no human being eludes me. Maybe it's just my own sick way of being power-hungry. Maybe it's my inability to accept the fact the some people are different from me in ways that are beyond understanding. I don't know. But i think i am not of sound mind sometimes...
Then i felt I should write just the opposite. I wanted to boast to the world about everything that I am and why I am more than meets the eye.
But I didn't believe in it. And so i wanted to write about how i wish NOT to write about such ridiculous things that i do not truly believe. How i wish not to so badly need the approval of others because self confidence should exist within and needs not validation.
And then i felt stupid. As i often do. So i decided to do what i do best, and that is tell you what I was thinking. Not what amounted from my thoughts but just the thoughts themselves. I think that is of greater value than any of the garbage i generally contrive.
I started reading a strange book. I cannot understand any of the language. It is above me. Yet i know of someone who understands it, and I am jealous of them. I vainly want to be that kind of person. The one who is not like myself in any way, but not in a way i can understand. I call them geniuses. I think some people are geniuses because they are the ones who are beyond my comprehension. In a way i guess that's vain, because it would imply that i know and understand everything of "normal" people.
I want it all. I wish to be universal. I want to experience everything and feel it and know it so that no human being eludes me. Maybe it's just my own sick way of being power-hungry. Maybe it's my inability to accept the fact the some people are different from me in ways that are beyond understanding. I don't know. But i think i am not of sound mind sometimes...
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aaaaanyway
im still intruiged by your entry
what is this book you're reading?