philomela

i have to rant about it. i just fucking have to.

the entire time i was gone, he did not call once, e-mail once, he did not anything once.
i come home and he has disappeared to boston for the weekend; hiding from me and my too-intense, unrestrained EMOTIONS undoubtedly.

i know we are almost to the end of our path of destruction, but i can't help but feel it. i can't help but feel some kind of hopeful that he is going to wake up and understand that what i need is intimacy. what i need is attentiveness and love and sex and kindness. i really really need some kindness.

i tried not to think about things all week - and i did a pretty okay job. when i'm away from him and his scent and his belongings, his sounds, i can manage it all.

but here i am. in our apartment, alone - and it's just FUCKING crushing me. and i really try not to, but i resent him for all of this. for putting me in this position, for making a fool of me. i resent myself even more for not having the self-respect to stop this bullshit when i really should have.

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in other news, i got my tattoo this evening when i came back into town. and.... it. looks. so. amazing.

i got along really well with the artist, i couldn't have had a better experience.