Gentlemen, I have cracked the code. That's right - there's a secret to success with the better half of the species, and that secret is this: start a glam rock band.
I decided recently that I want to be in a glam rock band. When I say glam rock - I'm not talking about Winger, Warrant or Poison. Those bands suck - I'm talking about *real* glam rock, like Ziggy Stardust, Gary Glitter, T-Rex and Alice Cooper. Those are the guys who made it cool to look like a chick - they set the glam bar so high that all of a sudden you pretty much had to be a drag queen or a gay dude to get chicks in this country. And more power to them - after all: it's very American to go to such extreme measures to meet women; and it's for this exact reasons that I now present to you - Kenny Techstepper's guide to starting a glam rock band.........................................
Step 1 - Planning your attack
Don't buy any instruments. Don't take any lessons. Don't even try to understand how song writing and performing works. It doesn't matter. That won't be important for several more steps, and even then - it still won't be that important. If you're smart, you'll leave all the song writing and production work to the secondary members of your band [see step 2].
Step 2 - Assemble a team.
Post ads in local guitar shops seeking out your band members. You're gonna need two guitarists, a bass player, drummer and [optional] keyboardist. Not all glam rock bands have keyboardists, but it's nice. Post individual ads for each musician that say something like the following:
"Established band with record contract seeking local guitarist for glam rock project. Must be willing to wear costumes on stage. No posers. "
Make each ad look a little different, so people don't catch on that you have no other musicians in the band so far [let alone the record contact].
When people start to respond to the ads, make sure you audition them all individually. When you pick your musicians, you're looking for ugly people with a medium level of talent. It's not as important that the musicians be talented as it is that you don't get any musicians who are better looking than you are. They don't have to be good looking, pretty people; they just have to look weird on stage and - above all else - they should be willing to wear big elaborate costumes.
Step 3. If you can't make, Fake it.
Now you got your team assembled and it's time to go to work. Be the lead singer. Write 3 or 4 original songs that follow your standard 'Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Guitar Solo-Chorus' format. Sing with your normal voice during the verses and use a 'falsetto' style, high-pitched voice for the chorus. During the guitar solo practice running around on stage and striking poses. Don't spend much time writing lyrics - just rip off cliche phrases from old popular songs and mix in references to sex and violence. Then do three or four long drawn out cover versions of classic rock songs. Add extra guitar solos and super long intros. Practice being dramatic on stage by waving your arms in the air and jumping up and down during the long intros. Name all of your songs after your ex-girlfriends. Name the band after your stage name [Get a stage Name - see step three and a half].
Step 3 & 1/2 - Get a stage name
Stage names are easy - just take your first name and add a flashy last name to it - Rob Zombie, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson. It's easy. Now that's also the name of the band.
Step 4 - The Look
This is easily the biggest part of starting a glam rock band. Since glam rock is really easy music to play, you won't need to practice much. Instead you can utilize all that free time you're going to have by doing something far more important: working on your appearance. Go to a second hand boutique for women. Find the kind of shop that old Jewish women shop in and buy a lot of big flashy hats, gaudy jewelry, scarves and gloves. Fake fur coats and high healed boots are nice too. The flashier and gaudier, the better.
Now get yourself to a teenage girl's clothing store. This is where you're going to buy your jeans and shirts. Buy stuff that is one size to small. The smaller the better. Throw in some wigs, make-up and sunglasses. By now you should be looking soothing like this:
Step 5 - Get Groupies
your next step is to get some groupies. If you want to be really marketable, your target demographic is teenage girls. Since teenage girls are such reat consumers - it's obvious what you must do - organize a show at a really trashy, seedy bar and get teenager girls to show up. Choose the kind of bar that allows minors to go inside and get drunk.
Once you pick out a location for your first show, go hand out flyers for the show to your target demographic [the teenage girls]. Park your van [if you don't already have one, get a van] Give flyers to any semi-good looking girl who looks like she hates her parents [piercing, slutty clothes, lots of make up]. Offer to give them beer and drugs if they show up at your gig.
Step 6 - The gig
Continue to practice your dancing and poses in the mirror. Book a lesser band to be your opening act. Hire a lighting guy with an outrageous set up. Never open up for anyone. Let all the pretty girls in for free. When the day of the show comes, get lots of drugs and booze together. Give them out to the girls in the crowd before the show. Put on your make up and get ready to rock. While you're on stage, have someone walk around in the crowd and hand out back-stage passes to all the pretty girls. By the end of the night, you should be swimming in a sea of pussy and marketable enough to sell your first record. Even if you don't, the real point of being in a glam rock band is to get chicks - so you've pretty much accomplished your original goal with flying colors. Congratulations, welcome to glam rock pseudo stardom!
I decided recently that I want to be in a glam rock band. When I say glam rock - I'm not talking about Winger, Warrant or Poison. Those bands suck - I'm talking about *real* glam rock, like Ziggy Stardust, Gary Glitter, T-Rex and Alice Cooper. Those are the guys who made it cool to look like a chick - they set the glam bar so high that all of a sudden you pretty much had to be a drag queen or a gay dude to get chicks in this country. And more power to them - after all: it's very American to go to such extreme measures to meet women; and it's for this exact reasons that I now present to you - Kenny Techstepper's guide to starting a glam rock band.........................................
Step 1 - Planning your attack
Don't buy any instruments. Don't take any lessons. Don't even try to understand how song writing and performing works. It doesn't matter. That won't be important for several more steps, and even then - it still won't be that important. If you're smart, you'll leave all the song writing and production work to the secondary members of your band [see step 2].
Step 2 - Assemble a team.
Post ads in local guitar shops seeking out your band members. You're gonna need two guitarists, a bass player, drummer and [optional] keyboardist. Not all glam rock bands have keyboardists, but it's nice. Post individual ads for each musician that say something like the following:
"Established band with record contract seeking local guitarist for glam rock project. Must be willing to wear costumes on stage. No posers. "
Make each ad look a little different, so people don't catch on that you have no other musicians in the band so far [let alone the record contact].
When people start to respond to the ads, make sure you audition them all individually. When you pick your musicians, you're looking for ugly people with a medium level of talent. It's not as important that the musicians be talented as it is that you don't get any musicians who are better looking than you are. They don't have to be good looking, pretty people; they just have to look weird on stage and - above all else - they should be willing to wear big elaborate costumes.
Step 3. If you can't make, Fake it.
Now you got your team assembled and it's time to go to work. Be the lead singer. Write 3 or 4 original songs that follow your standard 'Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Guitar Solo-Chorus' format. Sing with your normal voice during the verses and use a 'falsetto' style, high-pitched voice for the chorus. During the guitar solo practice running around on stage and striking poses. Don't spend much time writing lyrics - just rip off cliche phrases from old popular songs and mix in references to sex and violence. Then do three or four long drawn out cover versions of classic rock songs. Add extra guitar solos and super long intros. Practice being dramatic on stage by waving your arms in the air and jumping up and down during the long intros. Name all of your songs after your ex-girlfriends. Name the band after your stage name [Get a stage Name - see step three and a half].
Step 3 & 1/2 - Get a stage name
Stage names are easy - just take your first name and add a flashy last name to it - Rob Zombie, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson. It's easy. Now that's also the name of the band.
Step 4 - The Look
This is easily the biggest part of starting a glam rock band. Since glam rock is really easy music to play, you won't need to practice much. Instead you can utilize all that free time you're going to have by doing something far more important: working on your appearance. Go to a second hand boutique for women. Find the kind of shop that old Jewish women shop in and buy a lot of big flashy hats, gaudy jewelry, scarves and gloves. Fake fur coats and high healed boots are nice too. The flashier and gaudier, the better.
Now get yourself to a teenage girl's clothing store. This is where you're going to buy your jeans and shirts. Buy stuff that is one size to small. The smaller the better. Throw in some wigs, make-up and sunglasses. By now you should be looking soothing like this:
Step 5 - Get Groupies
your next step is to get some groupies. If you want to be really marketable, your target demographic is teenage girls. Since teenage girls are such reat consumers - it's obvious what you must do - organize a show at a really trashy, seedy bar and get teenager girls to show up. Choose the kind of bar that allows minors to go inside and get drunk.
Once you pick out a location for your first show, go hand out flyers for the show to your target demographic [the teenage girls]. Park your van [if you don't already have one, get a van] Give flyers to any semi-good looking girl who looks like she hates her parents [piercing, slutty clothes, lots of make up]. Offer to give them beer and drugs if they show up at your gig.
Step 6 - The gig
Continue to practice your dancing and poses in the mirror. Book a lesser band to be your opening act. Hire a lighting guy with an outrageous set up. Never open up for anyone. Let all the pretty girls in for free. When the day of the show comes, get lots of drugs and booze together. Give them out to the girls in the crowd before the show. Put on your make up and get ready to rock. While you're on stage, have someone walk around in the crowd and hand out back-stage passes to all the pretty girls. By the end of the night, you should be swimming in a sea of pussy and marketable enough to sell your first record. Even if you don't, the real point of being in a glam rock band is to get chicks - so you've pretty much accomplished your original goal with flying colors. Congratulations, welcome to glam rock pseudo stardom!