I don't really know what to think about the site anymore. To be honest, I've felt things going downhill for a long time but have stayed here for the people I respect, admire and care for. But sometimes it gets unbelievably stupid. A lot of stuff has happened over the last few months that has made me lose respect for people I used to look up to, to an extent. There was a time when I would have loved to be an SG and I've even regretted never getting the chance pretty recently but then again, the drama reminds me why I don't want to belong to this "sisterhood".
I've never really fitted in and I still isolate myself a lot. My friends seem to come and go a lot, mainly because I cling too hard at first and then entirely let go. I don't really know what I do to alieninate people but I find myself alone a lot. I've even caused someone I counted to be one of my closest friends to not return my messages because I acted like a spoilt little child. Now some of the people I used to feel closest to won't even be with me on one of the most important days of my life and plenty of that is my fault. And now I sit tearing myself up inside, wishing there was a way to make things better.
Once upon a time, I thought being an SG would stop me being like this with people. It would gain me friends that I wouldn't be weird with and would help me stop being such an idiot. But that was very ideal thinking. What would help would be me realising that I don't need these people as much as I cling to them and to learn how to have healthy relationships with them.
For once, I am leaving this open to the world to see, which is very unlike me. I don't want your sympathy or whatever, I just feel like opening up a little.
I've never really fitted in and I still isolate myself a lot. My friends seem to come and go a lot, mainly because I cling too hard at first and then entirely let go. I don't really know what I do to alieninate people but I find myself alone a lot. I've even caused someone I counted to be one of my closest friends to not return my messages because I acted like a spoilt little child. Now some of the people I used to feel closest to won't even be with me on one of the most important days of my life and plenty of that is my fault. And now I sit tearing myself up inside, wishing there was a way to make things better.
Once upon a time, I thought being an SG would stop me being like this with people. It would gain me friends that I wouldn't be weird with and would help me stop being such an idiot. But that was very ideal thinking. What would help would be me realising that I don't need these people as much as I cling to them and to learn how to have healthy relationships with them.
For once, I am leaving this open to the world to see, which is very unlike me. I don't want your sympathy or whatever, I just feel like opening up a little.
The thing that has kept us friends is that I've come to recognise that the things that make them 'them' is both those traits that I like and those that irritate the hell out of me [ and I'm sure they feel the same about me ]
And if I want to keep those great things then I have to accept the irritating ones too.
It sounds like you are recognising all of this in yourself, which makes it easier for other people to accept it too, and hopefully you'll regain the closeness you lost.
I hope it all works out in the end.
x
And, since I'm here, following up what tobie said, there's an old saying, "we like people for their virtues, but we love them for their faults." (honestly, it might be "flaws" instead of "faults", but I can't find the quote anywhere online to check.)