Monday Aug 20, 2012

0
I really need to talk. Please only read this if you are familiar with self-injury.


SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I'm having a very, very difficult night. I am sitting here with cigarette burns on my hands and pretty bad bruises on my face, and I did it all. I just haven't felt so much despair and anger in a very long time and the only way I can seem to express it right now is by punching and burning myself.

For those of you who don't know, I struggle with juvenile fibromyalgia. It's a nerve disorder and without getting into the science of it, it is pure hell and causes me constant, chronic, all-over pain. I have to take specific medications for it or I am basically disabled. Well I went to pick up some meds tonight, and I don't know what the fuck cvs did, but they have screwed up something and I have to wait 10 days to get my meds.

I know 10 days doesn't seem long to most of you. For me, though, it feels like an eternity, especially when I struggle with a lot of pain WITH the meds. So without is just like....I don't even feel a point in living. All I can do is lay in bed and cry in pain. I try to force myself to get around when it's bad like that but I can usually only go a few minutes.

I am just so incredibly tired of living this way. Pain like this, day after night after night after day...it wears down the soul. I just feel like I'm losing my ability to fight.

I haven't hurt myself in a pretty long time. I consider myself a recovered cutter but at this point I can't promise myself that I won't do it again. I know that inflicting more pain on myself does not make sense to most of you. It doesn't really make much sense to me, either. But the rage that is inside of me, the soul that is screaming out for the pain to just stop so I can breathe and LIVE, has no real way to communicate. There's nothing I can do because it is out of my control. I can't describe what it feels like to know that someone else is in charge of the amount of pain you feel.

And this fucking country...the fact that I have no health insurance, cannot get the meds I really need, and have to go poor because I can only work office jobs and cannot find one, but if I had fought for this piece of dog shit country THEN I would be given money for disability AND the medicine I need....I piss on this country and when I leave, I am never fucking coming back.

I'm just so tired of this pain, living this kind of life.


VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
kittykatznme:
I am so sorry for your pain, 10 days without meds can feel like a lifetime. My wife has fibromyalgia from complications from brittle diabetes, so I see her pain, even when she has her meds. It is frustrating to see her in so much pain that she wants to hurt herself to make the pain go away. Are there any holistic or naturopathy remedies? Might be something to look into. Just remember you have a lot of love and support here, and I am always thinking good thoughts for you. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
probablecauz:
i can't even imagine the pain you are going through. hopefully you can get the pain under control. i have dealt with migraines my whole life so i can understand the hopeless and despair that no matter what you do it doesn't always seem to work. you are a fighter and this is just another test in life for you to pass. i know we dont really know each other that well but if you ever need someone to talk to just let me know. i am always here. hope you feel better soon. take carelovelovelovelovelovelove

More Blogs