I'm in the south again. Just drove out here over the last couple days. In Florida now, Georgia yesterday, New Orleans the day before. I needed a vacation... bad. This has been a very strange couple of years for me, I must say. How can I be doing so well with work, enjoying it, yet feeling like I want to dial back and be simple? How can I love my girlfriend so much and feel so trapped by her? How can I love being me as I am and so want to be a girl?
Well, I don't know what to call my girl when, at the moment, she isn't my girl. We're taking a break from each other. Separated. My idea. I needed it. I know she needed it, too. She realizes it now that we're apart. I'm supposed to be thinking about what I want to be, genderwise. And here I am thinking about a lot of other things. I guess they're all inter-related. But, god-golly, I love her so much. It really hurts.
It's so wonderful being back in the south. I mean, visiting my mother is super-ultra-stressful. I keep expecting her to flip out about something. She has a bunch of glasses of wine, gets sad and flips out. That's the pattern. I do love my parents, and they're not really a problem in my life anymore... but jesus... they stress me out. My dad's hella cool, I suppose. I like him a lot... but pretty old-fashioned. Cutting my willie off would certainly alienate me from them. Fun thought.
I'm way excited to hang out with some of my friends in Savannah and Atlanta. Then, way cool... a friend of mine is in this blue-grass band and they have a gig in Nashville. They're touring, and that's a way important stop for them. I can't wait.
I also started taking herbal estrogen again. I don't know why I do it. I almost can't stop myself. But then I start feeling different and I get scared and back off. I need to see a shrink, I think. Why do I feel like I can tell every little thing about myself on this blog. I must be crazy. Maybe that's it. Crazy. Sure. Yup. Gotta be.
I'm gonna go to bed. I'm delirious-tired. Sorta. Maybe just mentally wrecked after all the work I've been doing. I want you all to know, your mother and I love you all very much. Your father and I love you very much too. It's a confusing relationship, true, but we all think of all of you as the children we never wanted but got stuck with. Take care and kisses and hand-jobs all around. Bye!
Well, I don't know what to call my girl when, at the moment, she isn't my girl. We're taking a break from each other. Separated. My idea. I needed it. I know she needed it, too. She realizes it now that we're apart. I'm supposed to be thinking about what I want to be, genderwise. And here I am thinking about a lot of other things. I guess they're all inter-related. But, god-golly, I love her so much. It really hurts.
It's so wonderful being back in the south. I mean, visiting my mother is super-ultra-stressful. I keep expecting her to flip out about something. She has a bunch of glasses of wine, gets sad and flips out. That's the pattern. I do love my parents, and they're not really a problem in my life anymore... but jesus... they stress me out. My dad's hella cool, I suppose. I like him a lot... but pretty old-fashioned. Cutting my willie off would certainly alienate me from them. Fun thought.
I'm way excited to hang out with some of my friends in Savannah and Atlanta. Then, way cool... a friend of mine is in this blue-grass band and they have a gig in Nashville. They're touring, and that's a way important stop for them. I can't wait.
I also started taking herbal estrogen again. I don't know why I do it. I almost can't stop myself. But then I start feeling different and I get scared and back off. I need to see a shrink, I think. Why do I feel like I can tell every little thing about myself on this blog. I must be crazy. Maybe that's it. Crazy. Sure. Yup. Gotta be.
I'm gonna go to bed. I'm delirious-tired. Sorta. Maybe just mentally wrecked after all the work I've been doing. I want you all to know, your mother and I love you all very much. Your father and I love you very much too. It's a confusing relationship, true, but we all think of all of you as the children we never wanted but got stuck with. Take care and kisses and hand-jobs all around. Bye!
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I don't think you really have to make a desicison... I think gender itself is a social construct, it's a performance... Perform it how you will, make it your own... My dna would say I'm a woman, and by all legal and medical standards I am, but I enjoy portraying a somewhat ambiguous gender (my pics on here are all femme, just because I don't take pics of myself lookin' like a guy - that's pretty common and not really photo-worthy...me looking like a woman is the photo-worth occasion)... I think androgeny is HOT... of course I'm a lot more open minded to gender transgression than most...
If you truely feel like you have to choose, and it would make you complete, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and you will find love... I like to think true love is blind to gender...
And if it makes you feel any better, I'd <3 you as a male or a female...