pennycandy

'Ello popet. ;D

So, I don't know how I feel about all this "internet" shit. I know I don't like MySpace right now. I think it evil, pure evil. This is different though. Only a few of you really know me (like past me on the street, and say hi, kind of know me). I don't know though. I'm feeling really exposed, but my weakness is random folks telling me I'm pretty..........gosh, I'm an odd duck.......but, I don't want to feel like I felt a few days ago.

I can't even explain it. Like I have no cotrol over how I'm precieved, because........I don't know. I just don't like the way MySpace was making me feel. Perhaps because of all the creeps. Probably. I mean, I kind of felt safe, because my friends know me, and they don't want to hurt me. So, I assume that MySpace is my friend. But then I get messages like (no joke, I really got this in a message from some weirdo who lives like 20 minutes from me) "hey sexy girl. so you like anal? ur hot."

Oh my god. I felt like retching my guts out. That was the worst, but there were some other raunchy ones that really angered me. Then my boyfriend ended our relationship, and my friends who didn't know, but found out through MySpace are sending me messages about how he's such a douche bag, and I deserve better and I need to forget about him...come see them and find a better man..........wtf? If I didn't call you and tell you within 20 minutes of us ending (which, I did, with my best friends, who have known about our relationship and what's good/bad, how I'm feeling through out all of it) then you know shit about it, and you have no right/reason to be bad mouthing him or us together, EVER! And fuck everyone of them, because they obviously don't have a clue about what we had....have....I don't know.....and they never will, because they are my fair weather friends. They are here for me, when it is convient or when they think they can get some inside information to tell others about, so everyone thinks we are "oh, so close". Ugh, I'm so angry with everyone who said anything bad about him, and on MySpace! Ugh. So, I went though and deleted a few "friends", made my profile private, left some messages for my real friends, and wrote in my About Me section and a blog, that I'm done with MySpace for a while.

I don't know when I'll go back, but when I do, I'm deleteing more "friends".........fucking "champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends"!!!!!! I hate that some people made me feel so bad.

Also, I got really jealous of comments that Mike was leaving on other girls' profiles. I didn't understand it, until Mike asked "Is it because you think I'm doing it behind your back?" yeah.......fuck. I still don't get it though. I would never, NEVER, get jealous if he said anything to another girl and he didn't know I could hear, but I did.......that 's who he is. He has a gift. He can see worth and beauty in the unconventional.....where other people fear or are repeled, Mike sees a true beauty. I love that about him. He's so honest about it too....I mean, I can see what he sees, but I could never say it like he does. He really does have a gift, he can make people (who might be down about themselves, because people are always telling them they look rediculous, or whatever crule things people do to other people) feel good. I don't want him to stop doing that, ever. That is really special about him, and I'm so angry I let it get to me like it did.

I think my jealously may have pushed him away from me too.

How stupid am I? I constantly second guessed him, asked him if he was true to me.......fuck. I KNOW he was true. I know it because of the way he looked at me, and touched me, and the way he talked to me, and the way he would act when I would walk in a room..........fucking jealously, from MYSPACE!!!! ugh, I wish I would have stopped March 17th.....The day we met. I wish I would have given him my number instead of my MySpace (I'm rolling my eyes, fucking MySpace). I wish I could have been better to him, and realized how stupid I was being, getting jealous because he was telling a friend he missed her, or something like that. Ugh, god, what a stupid fuck I am! I was so mean.....I was so so mean. I even came right out and told him I want to hurt him, not physically, but emotionally, because he made me feel bad and I needed to know if he cared enough about me to be hurt by me................what the fuck is wrong with me? I had found love. Now....I have a friend, that I will always want more from, because I do love him.

I'm really hopefull that some day down the road we will be together again. I can't explain why, but I think we will.......I don't know. Maybe it is just me wantting. Probably.

I want him to find someone who is for him who he is for me. He asked me what hurt, about us breaking up, and I told him that, "It hurts that I can't be for you what you are for me." He tried to say that I was so much more for him then he was for me......but I started balling and told him some really dark things that he cast some light on. That he could see in me, and I hated them, but he found the worth and beauty in them....and because he was okay with them....I found out I can be okay with them. Not another sole on earth has done that for me, and I don't expect it ever again (not from anyone other than him, that is). Not my best friend, that I have literally almost died with.....bled with in an ambulance being rushed to the emergency room......she doesn't know me half as well as Mike does. Not my sister, who I have lived with for 20 years. Not my dad, who has always been my rock, always been my problem solver and healer of all my pains. Not my brother, who has been my superhero since he seeked me out at school durring a tornado, just to sit with me and hold my hand. Noone, has ever cared to know me like Mike does, I think because they are afraid of me. And because they were afraid of me, I was afraid of me, until he showed me I'm okay being me. The things I gave him, I know there are at least ten people who would have happily done the same.

I guess he deserves better......reading that. He does. I told him before we even got together he was too cool for me. lol He said I'm pretty cool, and he really isn't cool. But I didn't mean it like that. I ment it in the way that he is who he is, and I'm still too afraid to be me.

He makes me want to be me. I hope that I can be me, and I hope that I can be good enough for him, I hope that I can be his. Someday. Wouldn't that be a perfect world? I'll never get perfection......I've already fucked that up. I've succeded in pushing away the perfect man for me. god, I suck at life.