pebbles

Warning\

This is going to be an emotional journal entry and it is not intended to get pitty or anything like that so please don't. This is the most revealing journal entry for me but I just have so much bottled up right now that I just can't think straight.

Have you all ever had so much emotion in you that your airway consticts and it is so hard to breath? I have felt that way for 3 days straight now. I haven't slept well and I am finding it hard to pick myself back up again. I will eventually but it might take some time.

I have this little friend that I adore so much and I love him. He has end-stage lymphoma and was given a few months to live. Now this is so very hard for me to digest because he is only 12 years old. He hasn't went to Cedar Point or seen the ocean or been in love. My heart is broken and I am not sure how to fix it. I want to see him and give him a hug but I don't want to start crying when I see him. I am not sure what to do. I have dealt with a lot of death but nothing like this before. Not someone this young that knows he is going to die. He told us to keep a few of his videos to remember him by. I can't imagine at my age coming to terms with my death in the next few months.

Now I am trying to understand this and accept it but I get so mad and pissed off that it is him. I would rather it be me because I have done so much more than he has. I want to take the pain away, I want to take the cancer away. If I could take his place I would do it in a heart beat.

I choose my job to do something to help, I never really thought my job would include making people comfortable so they could die without suffering. I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to do this. I accept that everyone has a time to die and a path to lead but it is hard for me to be okay with this.

My co-workers and teachers always told me to just be there. I was never prepared or ready for this. Now I will force myself to do it but that doesn't mean I will like it. I don't consider myself great or smart or caring, just lost and trying to figure things out as they go.

Ok it is hard to breath now. I am going to cut this short and go outside. Everyone stay safe and love everyone. Don't wait until tomorrow to tell them either, they might not be there.

Thank you to all that have commented in my journal lately and I am sorry if I have not gotten back to you. It doesn't mean I don't love you or care about you because I really do. You all are important and wonderful people. I wish the best for you.

Much love