pebbles

Here is the lyrics to a song that rings true for me.....just a little sharing tonight.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you

I seem to be a bit more reflective tonight. I guess just because I have a few things on my mind. I have learned over the past year that I can only rely on myself and my family. Friends are just added bonuses. Not that they don't mean as much as family but people aren't perfect. You can't expect a lot of people, we are only human.

Situations from the past year have just come up in my heart. I over the past year have pushed two people out of my life for good reasons and for stupid ones. One I don't talk to anymore and it really feels like there is a void in my life. The other I talk to from time to time and it just feels really strange.

What do you do when you have pushed someone away by saying really mean, hateful things to keep yourself from getting hurt and then in the end still getting hurt? It is like some damn sick joke and I did it to myself.

I have always been the girl that has been quiet and in the shadows and I have tried to come out of that shell. How do you do it when there aren't people around that really accept you? I have friends that do but at the same time I don't have two really special people in my life anymore. I guess it just makes me sad.

Yeah the above lyrics ring in my head over and over again. I was always scared to try for a fear of getting hurt. I didn't trust many people and when I did, I got hurt when I was younger. I had only a few people to really rely on and they weren't my parents. It made me stronger and I lived through it but in the end I have scars and there is pain. I don't think it will ever go away and as much as I want it to, I don't. It reminds me of where I have come from and how much I have grown from it.

Has anyone ever loved their parents and then at the same time hated them? I had a situation not to long ago where I didn't come home from a friend's place and it wasn't even a day. I didn't call my mom to tell her because I haven't lived with her for almost 2 years but she called the cops and called my family. She made them all worry for nothing. It was really great that she was worried, but at the same time it doesn't feel like she has the right to be worried. She never worried when I was younger and didn't care that I was so unhappy. She didn't notice because she was drunk all the time.

Anyway I need to go to bed because my eyes are all red and puffy. Crying seems to help sometimes, but instead I am just going to go to bed. Hope that it goes away for me okay.

Love to all