I lead a boring vapid life. One I can't even talk about rationally without alienating people because they think I want pity. I don't. But they will form their own conclusions anyways. There is this illusion that I have friends. I don't. I just know alot of people who know my name.
Now when alot of people know your name other people see this and know your name too. Soon you become what is thought of as a popular person. Peple tell you they miss seeing you around. Tell you they don't want it to be a long time until they see you again. But.... No one is ever actively trying to be apart of your life because they think you already have people in your life....
But then again I don't know. I can't explain why I"m alone so much. I have people tell me they miss seeing me, tell me they want to see more of me. But after more than two years nothing has even progressed beyond this very informal see you when i see you relationship. Two and a half years and no one visits me i don't visit other people. I've of couse said all this before.
I go to small private shows downtown I've met new "friends" there. Nothing progresses beyond seeing them there the next time there is a show there. I used to join clubs tried roleplaying game clubs, gun clubs, camera clubs (this going back to when I was in college the first time) nothing progressed into a friendship. Let me digress again...
All yes ALL of my college career I did not make one friend through a class I took or through a club I was in. I haven't made friends through work. Sure I met alot of people who say they care about me, who seem to like seeing me, or so they say. But when it comes down to hanging out, doing things excuses excuses excuses.
To me there are several things that could be wrong with my situation. 1. I'm failing to be a good enough friend myself. I thought about this that I'm not trying hard enough but I figure if the burden is THAT much on me then why aren't they trying hard enough? 2. I've thogh a several set of coincidences have only met superficial flakey people. Its possible and would go along with number one. 3. All the people I've met are put off by my disfigurements and disabilities. To me this is the most reasonable explanation.... Only because I don't want to believe that I only know sociopaths there just can't be that many. If I was failing in some part I would assume a good friend would at least try to point me in the right direction. Which hasn't happened...
I don't know how to change things other than leaving this college town.
Now when alot of people know your name other people see this and know your name too. Soon you become what is thought of as a popular person. Peple tell you they miss seeing you around. Tell you they don't want it to be a long time until they see you again. But.... No one is ever actively trying to be apart of your life because they think you already have people in your life....
But then again I don't know. I can't explain why I"m alone so much. I have people tell me they miss seeing me, tell me they want to see more of me. But after more than two years nothing has even progressed beyond this very informal see you when i see you relationship. Two and a half years and no one visits me i don't visit other people. I've of couse said all this before.
I go to small private shows downtown I've met new "friends" there. Nothing progresses beyond seeing them there the next time there is a show there. I used to join clubs tried roleplaying game clubs, gun clubs, camera clubs (this going back to when I was in college the first time) nothing progressed into a friendship. Let me digress again...
All yes ALL of my college career I did not make one friend through a class I took or through a club I was in. I haven't made friends through work. Sure I met alot of people who say they care about me, who seem to like seeing me, or so they say. But when it comes down to hanging out, doing things excuses excuses excuses.
To me there are several things that could be wrong with my situation. 1. I'm failing to be a good enough friend myself. I thought about this that I'm not trying hard enough but I figure if the burden is THAT much on me then why aren't they trying hard enough? 2. I've thogh a several set of coincidences have only met superficial flakey people. Its possible and would go along with number one. 3. All the people I've met are put off by my disfigurements and disabilities. To me this is the most reasonable explanation.... Only because I don't want to believe that I only know sociopaths there just can't be that many. If I was failing in some part I would assume a good friend would at least try to point me in the right direction. Which hasn't happened...
I don't know how to change things other than leaving this college town.
also, are you in any support groups? either online or in real life? find people in similar (not necessarily the same diagnosis, but that'd be awesome) circumstances to see how other people deal. you seem like a nice kid. maybe make it clear that if anyone wants to ask questions, they can? i know you're comfortable and ok with that, but maybe they are afraid of offending you or whatnot?
in other words, since you are the one who wants things to be different, you need to be the one to make some first moves. ask people if they want to hang out. get "coffee" (i don't drink coffee so that always feels weird to say for me!). the worst thing they could say is "no." and then you ask somebody else!
shes talking alot of sense