-sigh. I couldn't help but cry. I was working on a sketch for a back piece and just had to take a break.
I sat down in the same spot for hours. Reflecting. After so long of being strong and putting a positive attitude and giving advice, i broke down in tears.
There's that point where strong people just have enough and can't hold it in anymore. I felt so depressed and lonely. I look at my calendar and hope that possibly I could have someone scheduled at least one day a week to help me get by until my lease is up but I don't. I'm still questioning how things will work out next month.
I have learned to take action when there's a problem instead of sitting around crying about it. But what to do when you have tried it all and nothing seems to help?
I kept thinking over and over. What am I going to do? Where are we going to go? What do I plan to do? etc.
People are telling me to look for a job, to go back to school, what do I want to do? When will I do it?
AHHH!!! So tired of hearing it! I have been looking for a job! But now I feel i just don't want to anymore! I don't want to work minimum wage for the rest of my life! I don't want to work for someone else for the rest of my life! I don't want to have to worry about traffic, time, routine BLAH BLAH BLAH! I don't want to go to school because I don't know for what anymore! I wanted to be a psychology major but not anymore. I wanted to pursue art maybe fashion, but i'm not even sure if it's worth it.
I'm so used to providing my family with the best. If i can afford it, i will spoil them. Best hotels, best dinners, best parties, best of everything. Now I can't. I will have to move to a less expensive place. With a not so nice neighborhood. It will probably just depress me even more.
I kept reflecting and wondered what happened to me? I used to challenge everything and everyone? I used to get what i wanted. I was a goal setter. Very determined. Very successful. Now i'm nothing. I feel worthless. I feel like i don't have value. Like i let everyone down. I literally have nothing. No education, no degree, no job, nothing to be looked up for.
I'm the oldest in my family and i guess the example too. I remember telling my cousin for so many years, "Go to school, go get a job, stay busy, go out, make friends, do something! your life is wasting away and you're not taking advantage of your youth!" She used to be on crack for a couple years. She's staying clean now but still not trying to pursue anything in life. I don't blame her. I'm right there with her. I can't give her any advice or encourage her to do anything when i feel the same way.
My sister has 6 kids and is only a year younger than me, which makes her 23 and she feels stuck as well. Sometimes she becomes really depressed because she wants a career and a future for her kids but she can't find it. She has been looking for jobs, she has taken security training, and she still doesn't give up. Sometimes she can try harder but doesn't because she's so frustrated. I don't blame her. I feel like i'm right there with her.
Yes, I'm young and I have a whole life ahead of me. I know. But I feel like I've had enough. I have no motivation what so ever. I feel like the world around me could be falling apart and rot and i wouldn't do anything about it but watch it decade away.
I feel like I have tried all my options and I have failed.
I feel like crawling into a little hole and not have to worry about anything. I used to admire nature so much. I could just sit and appreciate the little things like the wind, the grass, flowers, the sky, sunsets and the sounds around me. But life has gotten too depressing that I don't even look out my window anymore. I could just sit in the dark listening to music all day.
5 years ago I had nothing. 2 Years ago I had so much to be thankful for. Today I'm losing it all. This is so devastating. I can't believe I let it go. Everything I worked hard for, struggled for, waited for and fought for is vanishing.
I'm depressed and no one around me notices it. I was in denial at first but reality caught up to me and hit me hard. Now i'm feeling it and it's way too heavy to lift. I'm just not in the mood of anything.
I don't know what to do.
I sat down in the same spot for hours. Reflecting. After so long of being strong and putting a positive attitude and giving advice, i broke down in tears.
There's that point where strong people just have enough and can't hold it in anymore. I felt so depressed and lonely. I look at my calendar and hope that possibly I could have someone scheduled at least one day a week to help me get by until my lease is up but I don't. I'm still questioning how things will work out next month.
I have learned to take action when there's a problem instead of sitting around crying about it. But what to do when you have tried it all and nothing seems to help?
I kept thinking over and over. What am I going to do? Where are we going to go? What do I plan to do? etc.
People are telling me to look for a job, to go back to school, what do I want to do? When will I do it?
AHHH!!! So tired of hearing it! I have been looking for a job! But now I feel i just don't want to anymore! I don't want to work minimum wage for the rest of my life! I don't want to work for someone else for the rest of my life! I don't want to have to worry about traffic, time, routine BLAH BLAH BLAH! I don't want to go to school because I don't know for what anymore! I wanted to be a psychology major but not anymore. I wanted to pursue art maybe fashion, but i'm not even sure if it's worth it.
I'm so used to providing my family with the best. If i can afford it, i will spoil them. Best hotels, best dinners, best parties, best of everything. Now I can't. I will have to move to a less expensive place. With a not so nice neighborhood. It will probably just depress me even more.
I kept reflecting and wondered what happened to me? I used to challenge everything and everyone? I used to get what i wanted. I was a goal setter. Very determined. Very successful. Now i'm nothing. I feel worthless. I feel like i don't have value. Like i let everyone down. I literally have nothing. No education, no degree, no job, nothing to be looked up for.
I'm the oldest in my family and i guess the example too. I remember telling my cousin for so many years, "Go to school, go get a job, stay busy, go out, make friends, do something! your life is wasting away and you're not taking advantage of your youth!" She used to be on crack for a couple years. She's staying clean now but still not trying to pursue anything in life. I don't blame her. I'm right there with her. I can't give her any advice or encourage her to do anything when i feel the same way.
My sister has 6 kids and is only a year younger than me, which makes her 23 and she feels stuck as well. Sometimes she becomes really depressed because she wants a career and a future for her kids but she can't find it. She has been looking for jobs, she has taken security training, and she still doesn't give up. Sometimes she can try harder but doesn't because she's so frustrated. I don't blame her. I feel like i'm right there with her.
Yes, I'm young and I have a whole life ahead of me. I know. But I feel like I've had enough. I have no motivation what so ever. I feel like the world around me could be falling apart and rot and i wouldn't do anything about it but watch it decade away.
I feel like I have tried all my options and I have failed.
I feel like crawling into a little hole and not have to worry about anything. I used to admire nature so much. I could just sit and appreciate the little things like the wind, the grass, flowers, the sky, sunsets and the sounds around me. But life has gotten too depressing that I don't even look out my window anymore. I could just sit in the dark listening to music all day.
5 years ago I had nothing. 2 Years ago I had so much to be thankful for. Today I'm losing it all. This is so devastating. I can't believe I let it go. Everything I worked hard for, struggled for, waited for and fought for is vanishing.
I'm depressed and no one around me notices it. I was in denial at first but reality caught up to me and hit me hard. Now i'm feeling it and it's way too heavy to lift. I'm just not in the mood of anything.
I don't know what to do.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
You have only failed if you do not try, you will not get where you want to be in a couple of weeks, maybe not in a year, but you keep working at it and one day it happens, if you really want it bad enough it will happen, its not like you are asking for something big, you are not trying to be a queen, you are going after something that you really want and it is something that cane be gotten if you work hard at it, I have been where your at, I worked in a job that I hated more then anything for 3 years so I could get my debts paid off, I have done that now, it took me 4 long years to get there, I didnt do things I wanted to do or buy things I wanted to buy because of that debt, now Im free.
Just remember you just lost your job not to long ago, it takes a while to get things back together, it just doesnt come to you, you have to work for it and it will not come to you in just a couple weeks, it may take months.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.
-Rutger Hauer, Blade Runner.
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
"You never see the most significant things that are happening in your life while they are happening"
-Field of Dreams-
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."
-Ayn Rand-
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting"
~Jim Carrey
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."~ Alan Cohen
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." Louis L'Amour
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss