peaches

So everything continues to be tangled up. Emotions are up in the air.

I've been going to the park and watched my lil bro practice with his football team. I'm proud of the kid. It is his first time playing the sport and they made him captain! He gives it all he has and no matter how tired he is, he's still giving it his 100%. He has a game on Friday, so far they have won 3 games in a row. I'll probably take him out to eat after the game to reward him for his hard work.

My place is a mess. Since we came back from Vegas, i haven't even unpacked. I can't even walk in my room! Luckily Julian helped me wash the dishes because they were starting to pile up.

I've also begun to look for another place. I realized that i need my own room. I'm just really anal about a lot of things and i can't share a room with people that don't think like i do. But it's just not easy. It's giving me a real headache.

Another pain in the ass is my car repair. My aunt said she would take me to an autoshop where they will waive deductable because right now i can't just spit out $500. It's really frustrating me. If i have no choice and i have to end up paying the full $500 then i will have to have Julian help me out with it. I would have him pay the full $500 but i know he doesn't have it so he will at least need to help me out with half.

I have always wanted to take a carreer in Art especially interior design or fashion but never really happend. I ended up pursuing psychology and still have not yet completed my AA. Kinda pathetic at my age. So i thought the other day of starting small and designing shirts! Then slowly advance it to where i want it to be. If i have a dream i need to get started and make it possible. Because if i just sit around and wait for it to happen, it never will.

Another thing that has me worried is my little nephew Angel. Earlier this week, he had a rash on his back. It looked like a huge red circle on his back. I fear it could be a tick bite which can lead to Lyme disease. I truly hope and am praying that its not so. So i'm waiting for my doctor to show up to work today so i can show her and discuss it with her.

Since my mom has been in Mexico with my dad, i had to take the "mom" role in the house. So i've kept myself pretty busy lately. My schedule is tighter than ever and hardly gives me time to do things i want or need to do. I take my sister grocery shopping, pick up my bro and take him and his friends to practice then come home and cook dinner and sleep and wake up go to work and do the whole routine all over again.

I always dreaded cooking. But now, i kind of like it. Given the fact that i'm a creative person, i get creative with the food. Which makes it fun.

Emotional wise, i'm doing better than a couple weeks or months ago. But i'm still feeling depressed at times. It's almost as if though i lack something in life. My dad explained to me, that in psychology, (my dad's a psychologist btw) depression can mean two things, A-a person lost something or B- a person is missing something and i think that in my case it's both.

We lost the family structure at the age of 10. Until this day, we are still trying to recover it, but it's not the same. I'm missing that spark. Al though i'm staying busy, it's keeping me motivated but i'm not accomplishing much on my end. I'm missing a lot of things i dreamt about growing up and i can't seem to find them.

I'm lost.

In the meantime, i continue to sit on the side and watch the world go by. I'm thankful of what i have but i have a hunger for more. I'm craving something and i don't know what or where to find it. It's like those last missing peices to the puzzle, you don't know where they go.

UGH! this is so frustrating!