peaches

Ok, so i finished a couple sketches and i still have a couple more to go. I think i'm putting way too much pressure on myself. The past couple days i've been having migranes. I sometimes sleep them off thinking they'll go away but they don't instead they don't even let me sleep! I even wake up feeling worse. Its kinda that feeling when you sleep too much and you wake up with a head ache? yea, that's how i feel. So the doctor left to the hospital to see a patient. Well, they're not a patient yet. But she still drives to them and checks them free of charge. Really nice of her but its conflicting with her schedule and with the ppl that are actually her patients. So since she's gone, i'm taking some time to continue on my sketches! The doctor will also be leaving the office for about 2 weeks, she will be going to Africa and Mexico (lucky her) lol. Which leaves me thinking i should probably take a small vacation too. Uuuh! but the bills! what a pain in the neck! I have to pay for the renewal of my car sticker thingy, and i have to have rent paid off and my car along with the other bills at home. I think i might go to TJ and visit my Dad for a weekend. We finally all got our passports so we are able to meet up. I haven't seen him since i was 15! So it's going to be a very emotional experience for me. Pookey will be meeting him for the first time too. I am going to cry like a baby! I just know it! lol. I wish it could be longer, but he has to work and so do i so for now, we will just take up a weekend. I'm gna have to gather extra money in order to pay for stuff over there. I wish i could go to Guadalajara Mexico though. That way he wouldn't have to fly to TJ, i could just drive to TJ but he has to fly. I also want to visit some family i haven't seen in years! It seems though, everytime I go, things look worse everytime. I remember when i went at the age of 8 i think, i saw everyone so happy and everywhere we went we felt like the family just grew! Maybe that was through the eyes of an innocent child, whom wasn't aware of problems that grown ups where facing. When i went back to spend the summer with my Dad at the age of 15, one of my relatives lost half of thier home, the happiest couple i thought there was in the family turned out to have 2 kids, and the wife cheats on the husband and the husband just takes it but most likely is cheating too. The other uncle can leave for days and no one knows about him and all of a sudden he comes back like nothing. All the dogs they had are gone. The aunt that bought me 3 pinatas for my 9th bday, passed away and her kids are fighting for the will. All her children married and split, so its as if they were never related. My Dad's brother was killed. My Dad's mom passed away. I only met my Dad's oldest sister once and she's a rich pompous old lady whom shits money all the time but refuses to help the family. My Dad's other brother is a drunk, left his wife and kids and we haven't heard from him in forever. I only know one of my cousins, and just recently found out she lives in Apple Valley, California. I had a bf when i was over there too, his name was Jose, pretty cliche for a Mexican name huh? lol. He was such a sweetheart! Everyday he would visit me at my aunt's shop and and would always bring me something. One day a flower, one day a teddy bear, one day he would just dedicate a song for me, i mean, everyday was a surprise for me! He would do little things like that all the time for me. I was such a brat too. I always gave him a hard time and he always put up with it. I remember once he asked me out to go get a cup of coffee or something. We ended up going to my Dad's favorite place. I was so afraid my dad would find us there cuz he didn't even know about him. So i wasn't able to enjoy myself. I was so shy that i even begged my younger cousing to come along cuz a guy has never asked me out AND i didn't know this guy well enough, AND i wasn't familiar with the place very much. Like, in case of an emergency do i dial 911? idk?! lol he was really sweet. On my birthday he serenated for me! He got me a cake and even made me a beanie with "Korn" logoed on it which at the time was my favorite band. He tried to sing me my favorite Korn song but it didn't turn out so well with an acustic guitar lol. For just bieng dating for i would say 2 1/2 months, he became really attached. I was used to only date for a max of 4 months so i didn't take it as harsh, i was kinda used to the short term relationships cuz i guess when your a kid, you really don't care. It was like i would see my bf at school, he would never call or come over it was only like a "School" relationship type of thing i guess. So everything jose and i did was new to me. We went to places with out grown ups and we had a blast. My favorite moment was when we went to a restaurant once. I didn't eat but i was drinking. I got buzzed and just wanted to go and walk around because it had a HUGE backyard. It looked like a long grassy field! Probably the size of my mall! lol and they had horse back riding and a playground for kids, it was cool. And we just laid in the grass talking and fell asleep under the shade. We later woke up because the sun was hitting our face and he looks at me and says, "good morning sleeping beauty" lol. That was the sweetest thing that had ever happened to me at the time. He would sometimes make fun of my "pocho" spanish lol but He was definitely a keeper, but then i had to come back home. I rode on the plane along and was scared. He came along and dropped me off at the airport with my dad and he cried. He was crying because i was leaving. He hugged me so tight. I was feeling akward because A- My dad was there, so it was a bit embarrassing to show affection towards someone else infront of my parents, and B-I didn't know how to say good-bye and comfort him so he wouldn't cry. So i arrive at TJ and that's where my aunt picks me up becuase she was visiting family there. They said they didn't recognize me becuase my hair was long and straight (yes, i have curly hair and choose not to wear it like that lol) and i was thin, i think i weighed about 113 at the time, so yea i was waaaaaay thin lol and the security guards there were such pervs! I was 15 for god sake and they acted like i was in my mid 20's. I was afraid to ask for help or to ask for directions cuz nothing but obscenity came out of thier mouths. Finally i saw my aunt, and after staying at a family member's house, we went home, ahhh... sweet LA. A couple weeks later i had to call Jose and brake up with him over the phone because i thought about everything. The distance and what not. Look at us now. It's going to be 9 years since i've seen him so it would have def not worked out. But i feel bad for the guy cuz he was really hoping it would. I miss those days, when i was young and i thought i had problems but if i came to think about it, i really didn't i was just being a drama queen. When i was happy, and just wanted to have fun. My bff at the time was my cousin Eilene. Now she's married and ran away from home. We haven't spoken for 7 years. She became a total douche! She always cared about other people other than family, so for her family was like second best, we were at the bottom of her list when it came to "priorities". Its sad because i'm very family oriented, if anything those are my most powerful values. We just clashed and tried to put me against the family. She bullshited in order for people to think she was the best. Pfft... no one knew her the way i did. And when i tried to explain ppl thought i was just talking out of anger. But i was telling the truth. Sigh- how the years passed by and how drasticly things changed. It's almost depressing. I just want to become a kid again and cuddle into a little ball and absorb and enjoy the moment and live all that all over again and appreciate every small detail that i missed. Appreciate the way the sun would shine through my window every morning. Appreciate my parents fighting over which jacket they should buy my sister and i. Appreciate walking to my private school and walking back. Appreciate those 10 long minutes in my class when i would day dream about my crush, or what i would wear to school the next day, or stupid stuff like that. You know, as strange as this may sound, but i miss my mom yelling at me. Now that i moved out and asked her to move in with me, she lets me do what i want, obviously, but i wish she would at least once in a great while say,"where are you going?" "who are you going with?" "You're wearing that to go out?!" "it's late go to bed" "where have you been?!" "What did you do?! Where did you go?! What happed to you?!" . Now that she doesn't tell me anything, i actually feel bad and guilty and wrong doing the things i do. Even though there is nothing wrong with them but, it doesn't feel right. I'm not who she wanted me to be and i know she is proud of me no matter what but i feel like i disappointed myself at the thought that all her efforts in trying to make me the young lady she wanted me to be didn't turn out. She was so over protective of my sister and i and look at us now! My sister ended up with 6 kids and i ended up tattooing myself and others. I feel like this is not the way things should be but they are. I can't be who she wants me to be because i won't be happy. But maybe seeing her happy will make me happy. Either way, i will still have that need to be who i am and it will depress me if i have to hide it and let go. Everyday i try to motivate myself to be the best i can and to do the best i can. Sometimes i just feel like i'm in a routine. Like i'm not getting anywhere and its frustrating. Idk, i feel like i'm in a battle with my inner self, with my values, with my beliefs, expectations, and my goals. It's like, this is not the way the story should end. Cinderella does not hide from the prince, and snow white was not supposed to ignore the witch when she offered the apple, and sleeping beauty shouldn't have ignored the shiny prickly thing, Peter pan wasn't supposed to fall in love with Wendy and kept her at neverland. It's like in a way, i feel out of place. Really deep thoughts and feelings that go through my head that sometimes i lose myself.