pavlovsdog

The girl I have been seeing for two years, decided it was time to move on. While this didn't come as a surprise, still it was a little shocking to hear. She had met someone else and she felt that she needed to explore that relationship. It's painful, but I must say I really can't blame her. We have been carrying on a long distance relationship for several months now. I'm in Asheville she was in Chapel Hill. The last few months were hard, and we rarely saw one another, but it still hurts to know that it's over. I am saddened by what she said and how she feels, but mostly I'm upset because I feel I have to start at the beginning again. I spent a long time cultivating our relationship. It hurts to see it cut off so suddenly. I felt we had a good relationship, although I wasn't the best at expressing how I felt towards her. I felt thing for her I hadn't felt for any of my other girlfriends. I felt safe and loved. Now it's like I'm out upon that big ocean again searching for that distant ray of light that will guide me back home. The finality is the worst part. Knowing I'll never hold this person the same way, or that we'll never share the same intimate experiences again. It's a hard thing to take.
At least she was honest with me, and let me know soon after she had begun seeing him. I never thought it would hit me so hard. I guess I really took for granted what we had. The gravity of the situation didn't hit me until a few hours later. I wandered around in a state of shock as we talked on the phone. I really couldn't believe it. She told me about this person she had met, and how she felt as if he was "the one". I fought back tears, but some self-loathing part of myself wanted to hear every painful detail. I guess it's like wrist-cutting for your emotions. I tried to remain calm. However being here alone in my apartment is when things really sunk in. It was over. Now all the feelings I had been suppressing for her begin to boil up to the surface. It's going to be a hard time.
I don't want to face that new road. I don't want to get back in that saddle. I don't want to go fishing in that big sea. I want to have that certainty again. I want to be secure in knowing there may be a person that's right for me. I want to love. I'm afraid. I'm lonely. Eventually I will climb that mountain again, but for now it seems like a daunting task.