Do you ever have nights where you're just up all night wondering 'What am I doing with my life, where am I going?'
These past few weeks I've realized I'm turning 21 in less than 6 months and my life is less together than it was a year ago. A year ago I was a graphic design artist working at one of the largest production companies in the southeast. I had an apartment i was about to move into in downtown St. Pete, Florida next to the best little coffee shop and my favorite photographer lived a few doors over. I could have been apart of the florida Burlesque Tour like i messaged @lexi about. I know it was only helping out back stage but that would have been so amazing! Talk about one for the books. I had things pretty set up. Now I'm in Alaska working at Starbucks wondering if getting up and leaving was the right thing to do. Sometimes I want to say yes. I want to say yes because I've come so far in loving myself that I don't think I would have been able to back in Florida. I met an absolutely wonderful woman who would like to become a physiologist one day and for the first time in my entire life when I talk to her about my life experiences I don't feel guilty. I don't feel ashamed or wrong or like I'm going to get yelled at and just that feeling alone has helped me blossom more into the women i want to be. Which brings me to @missy and @rambo first blog topic about our experience with Suicide Girls.
I was so nervous that I wouldn't be good enough that I almost backed out of shooting altogether. I made up a lame excuses and hid under my covers the whole day scrolling through tumblr looking at all the other girls who made me want to do it. At the end of the day I drove down to the beach and ended up taking the best swim in the gulf. Being out there in the ocean made me realize you are only as big as you see yourself and that the people bringing me down could be wrong and maybe I was good enough. I texted the photographer and immediately set up another day. I tried to sneak out of my house before anyone saw me and was lucky enough to succeed. I was feeling extremely fancy so I made a quick stop at Starbucks and got myself a Venti Iced soy peppermint quad shot late upside down and my photographer a latte. After multiple compliments from the baristas I felt unstoppable. The sun was shinning as it rose above the buildings and i turned the corner to the shoot. Honestly it felt like a cool drink of water on a hot day. This was the day I shot Morning Sunshine and was gifted self confidence.
After I got the email my set was accepted as a hopeful at 10:26am it almost felt like the last christmas present. I cried and showed my older sister and she gave me the biggest hug and told me how proud of me she was. Which personally was a win because I thought/think she's the most beautiful person I've met. I spent the day riding on a high and was eager to talk to the other girls. It was as if I found my group in the lunch room on the first day of school. I've messaged such amazing people as @rachelle @twitchling @royal @sunflower exc. I never really fit in when I was growing up, like most of us, so to be apart of something and feel at home and have all of these beautiful amazing women tell you that YOU are an amazing and beautiful woman. Well, be still my heart is all i have to say. It's not much but being apart of something i've idolized since I was in my early years of a teenager makes me so incredibly happy. The joy I get from saying I AM A SUCIDE GIRL. Its just such a boost of confidence immediately. @lexi even had me on the Suicide Girls vine! I feel like I have become my own hero and a HUGE part of that is thanks to @missy and @sean @lyxzen @rambo @lexi all of them. Every last one of them who have put together this place and brand that women young and old can look to and know that its ok to like the things that you like. Its ok to like tattoos, Lord of The Rings, Adventuring, piercings, science, astronomy, World of warcraft, big eyeliner somedays and no make up at all other days. Telling people about those things throughout my life made me a bit of a loner and told no. Who tells a 5th grader she can't be an astronaut? Now being apart of this its made me rekindle my love for all of those things and express them without shame to anyone who listens. I've read negative things and I have heard negative things about Suicide Girls but just like the women we are its not for everyone. I made the choice to apply against all negativity and its been one of the greatest experiences of my life so far. I can't wait to see what else is in store for me and hopefully you can't wait to see what i have in store for you.
With all my love,
Paulabuur
Top 5 favorite songs for your hearing pleasure.
1. Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf -If i am ever overly stressed or an absolute mess freaking out with anxiety this song puts me in my place immediately. By far #1
2. Stolen Dance - Milky Chance
3. The Winner Is - Devotchka
4. Lake Michigan - Rouge Wave
The Scientist - Coldplay
