At 3am I pulled off a magic trick. I silently and very quickly crossed state borders without detection (except for EZ Pass) and am seeking shelter with the one person who will always be there to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. I feel like I can't be anywhere anymore. I have to get the hell out of where I live. There is nothing there for me anymore; only pain and sorrow. My stupid delusions and hopes were possibly the most pathetic ones I've ever had. What a fool I've been. But how do I do what's right for me when I know I'll just be in a world of pain? I'd like the next appointment for a lobotomy. Short of taking the next flight to Georgia and getting on the Appalachian Trail right now (which would be wildly unsafe and probably kill me) I am at a loss for what to do. How can I say goodbye to my best friend...again? By telling myself maybe it won't have to be forever? By picking up and moving as far as I can? By sticking it out and continuing to be friends until it stop hurting? Maybe I'll stop sabotaging any date I go on. Stop comparing them. I need to get the fuck out of this dreamworld I thought I could be in. I used to be able to put myself to sleep when I was having trouble by fantasizing about various happy ending to my life with various people. Never the one I truly wanted because that would be too painful since I knew in my heart it would never happen. But last night I couldn't even do that. There was nothing happy in my brain. I need to figure out what to do. How to protect myself without killing every feeling I have and becoming an automaton. Fuck. It feels like cutting off my foot would be less painful than losing my best friend. Obviously that's an exaggeration but the thought of it is making me physically ill. Perhaps it's exhaustion. But it's probably just heart break all over again. Everyone knows you can't put a band-aid on a broken heart. Inevitably it will either fall off on its own or you'll have to rip it off. It never truly fixes anything. So do I get a bigger band-aid or do I rip? Fuck if I know.
