This may sound odd -- but finally having seen Garden State ( a movie I meant to see last year ) -- I've realized just how much my life is represented in that film.
Bare with me a short moment ---
When I was a child I was a very angry child -- the reason isn't really important, though part of it was due to my 'father' ( loosely my father -- more of a biological relation whom I also tend to emulate on occasion ). He was not there for me ever really and adding that to being precociously intelligent and easy to set off led to me being in trouble on a daily basis.
Anyhow -- two things came of this in my youth -- one from the age of six or so I was on Ritalin; the solution of choice of the early 80s -- medicate your problem kids into submission. Unfortunately as my problem was more a case of anger than any real distraction ( though I am indeed medically diagnosed that way ), it never really did much other than dull things.
Following that I ended up in therapy for a time, where I eventually learned to detach myself from my emotions -- to pull away from hair-trigger reactions that would lead to me acting in anger at the drop of a hat.
I've come half-way to the realization before that I'm kind of broken because of this; since that time I've generally felt detached from more than my anger -- I've often repressed nearly every real emotion that I have. I can have fun at times, but its a rare moment when that is more than just acted out for the benefit of others.
I suppose I sound sad at this point, but I couldn't call it sad either since I don't necessarily feel that either.
I think I should've learned when I was madly in love a long time ago -- that was the one time I really started feeling things unbidden -- of course with the good came the bad ones as well, my temper paid a visit on the hall door in my home at that time; kind of scary for someone who hadn't flown off the handle since he was a very angry little 12 year old.
People who know me well ( or read this rambling journal entry ) know that I tend to just analyze everything, but in the last year I have been getting away from that - instead of simply trying to please others I've ended up just being blunt and truthful about things. I find that that just works better -- however I'm digressing.
My point is that this movie was /almost/ about me .. sure the story is differing and unlike the main character I'm not just coming out of a pyschological drug coma -- my fond distaste for doctors and all things medicine fostered when I was younger has served me well in avoiding any of that in my current life. I mean heck, there's a point made that he can't even cry -- I don't know how many times in my life I've been in situations where I should have the feelings to want to, but I just have no ability to.
Anyhow -- I really sound depressed now but I'm actually not. I guess I'm just glad that things are clearer to me and that I'm moving away from this detachment ..
Now I'm all embarassed
Back to your regular programming of smut and happyness
Bare with me a short moment ---
When I was a child I was a very angry child -- the reason isn't really important, though part of it was due to my 'father' ( loosely my father -- more of a biological relation whom I also tend to emulate on occasion ). He was not there for me ever really and adding that to being precociously intelligent and easy to set off led to me being in trouble on a daily basis.
Anyhow -- two things came of this in my youth -- one from the age of six or so I was on Ritalin; the solution of choice of the early 80s -- medicate your problem kids into submission. Unfortunately as my problem was more a case of anger than any real distraction ( though I am indeed medically diagnosed that way ), it never really did much other than dull things.
Following that I ended up in therapy for a time, where I eventually learned to detach myself from my emotions -- to pull away from hair-trigger reactions that would lead to me acting in anger at the drop of a hat.
I've come half-way to the realization before that I'm kind of broken because of this; since that time I've generally felt detached from more than my anger -- I've often repressed nearly every real emotion that I have. I can have fun at times, but its a rare moment when that is more than just acted out for the benefit of others.
I suppose I sound sad at this point, but I couldn't call it sad either since I don't necessarily feel that either.
I think I should've learned when I was madly in love a long time ago -- that was the one time I really started feeling things unbidden -- of course with the good came the bad ones as well, my temper paid a visit on the hall door in my home at that time; kind of scary for someone who hadn't flown off the handle since he was a very angry little 12 year old.
People who know me well ( or read this rambling journal entry ) know that I tend to just analyze everything, but in the last year I have been getting away from that - instead of simply trying to please others I've ended up just being blunt and truthful about things. I find that that just works better -- however I'm digressing.
My point is that this movie was /almost/ about me .. sure the story is differing and unlike the main character I'm not just coming out of a pyschological drug coma -- my fond distaste for doctors and all things medicine fostered when I was younger has served me well in avoiding any of that in my current life. I mean heck, there's a point made that he can't even cry -- I don't know how many times in my life I've been in situations where I should have the feelings to want to, but I just have no ability to.
Anyhow -- I really sound depressed now but I'm actually not. I guess I'm just glad that things are clearer to me and that I'm moving away from this detachment ..
Now I'm all embarassed
Back to your regular programming of smut and happyness VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
eli:
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atticstar:
