pantsonfire

pantsonfire to the rescue!!

last night i started drinking vodka/rockstar energy drink. it is the only mixer i like vodka with. after a few of those i went next door to the commodore for a pitcher of beer and to catch the 2nd half of the bucks game. the bucks won, the pitcher was gone, and i was hungry so i went home. i noticed a message on my machine left only fifteen minutes before. i played it. it went something like this:

joey this is kelly. i'm down at evan's. if you get this come down immediately. save me!

so i hopped on my moped and got down there. it's only like 3 blocks away, so i was there in no time. i scanned the room. the lights are dim in this joint, and i see a back of a head with kellyesque hair. i swagger over there and pull up a seat. i'm introduced to her "male companion", i make a little smalltalk, and then i go to the bar and order up a lacrosse lager bottle. i pay with sacajawea dollars and i return to the table - the guy is gone. mission accomplished.

kelly hugs me, kelly high-five's me, kelly buys me a whiskey, and i get her to explain what's up. apparently she was on the date from hell and in an act of desparation (when this chump was taking a piss) she called me up. they had seen "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and she told me i need to see that. i nodded and sipped at my whiskey. she refused a moped ride home, and we left.

that spooked me. i'm going on a blind-date this thursday and i hope i don't need to call kelly to bail me out. if i do, i want to do it up right. i told kelly the restaraunt we'll be eating at. i will alert the staff that if i shout "pineapple lasagna!!" they are to call kelly. i will tell my date that i have tourette's and that i'm usually pretty good at controlling it and wasn't that embarrasing and all that shit. kelly will storm in to the restaraunt and scream "who the fuck is this bitch!!" and start swinging a purse at my date. i will say things like "honey, how did you know?" and kelly will, for effect, say things like "you cheating bastard, you sack of shit, you small-dicked philanderer!!" and i will run to the nearest dive bar, order a whiskey, and wait for kelly to come back with the scalp of my lame date so we can sell the hair to a wigmaker. there's some good money in that, i hear.

this girl is a 6th grade math teacher. i have a feeling it will be a disaster.

and remember that girl i told you about yesterday? she left her cd's at my place monday night and i called to let her know they were still there and she could get them that night if she wanted. this girl, angie, she bugs the hell out of me, but her body is so so slammin', i've never had so much curve pressed against me. just bam! i usually like the waifish types, but this girl - i just want to fuck her so bad. i was drunk, the kelly thing had already happened and angie shows up. i give her the cd's and i try again to make out with her. she admits she's seeing someone else and i say "fuck that, let's just make out." lets just say that i'm not irresistible because she was able to resist. and on that note i set my elkectric blanket to 5 and i went to sleep.

i dreamed about this girl i know in minneapolis. it was a nice dirty dream.