pandie

An update on life:

My birthday came and went. I'm 22 now, which feels so old and it's scared me into action ha I think but more on this later. I had a really fun night on my birthday night in another city, with funny birthday presents, great company, new bars, drinks, drinks, drinks and nice people some of which who I barely knew and their kindness really was awesome.

I've been travelling a lot lately, have successfully completed my degree (bachelor of arts in media studies), been seeing lots of awesome bands play, writing music reviews/interviews for magazines (I interviewed the singer of Behemoth on Friday which was pretty interesting haha and now I'm supposed to review Craig David's new CD and a bunch of NZ bands including Full Nelson and Brick VS. Face - quite the mixture haha), working on novels, doing photoshoots, hanging out with the best friends I could ever have, swinging sledgehammers, seeing live theatre, trying new restaurants and eating amazing food, making new friends, dancing, drinking, not-drinking, learning, living. And I have a whole bunch of tattoo appointments coming up in the next few months which I am really excited about

I have not had a boyfriend for I don't know six months or more now, and I am really happy with this situation. My ex-boyfriend and I are finally becoming friends now too which I think is great and I am really happy to see him and his new love interest seeming so good to each other.
It's not that I hate boys or anything ha. I just have so much to do. I don't have the time or energy to waste on being with someone who is not the right person to be with. I am working on a million projects (including a secret one with zombies I hope I can show you soon haha) and I love it.

I have met the odd boy who I thought was sweet but it hasn't been the right time for anything or they have turned out really to not be sweet at all haha. I find it is so rare that I actually 'connect' with someone, a boy, in a way that not only is there an attraction and they are fun to hang out with, nice, interesting to talk to etc, but that I feel like we kind of 'understand' each other as lame as that may sound haha.

There was one who I met so briefly who didn't even live here who I thought I had that with and was pretty sure he was the same. But he is gone. And I have no idea how to contact him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. But I really felt like it was. This has nothing to do with sex or anything really like that. It was just that hanging out, talking, just felt right. There were no uncomfortable silences where you feel you have to fill up the spaces with words, any words just to make them go away. It was just as if we had known each other a long time. Old friends. We had so much in common - motley crue, tattoos haha and just more than this. I wish I could see him again. Who knows what will happen.

But right now I am happy with that part of my life as it is. Yet to be set in stone, yet to be created, yet to be discovered. I don't need anybody else to do all these things I am about to do, the adventures I plan to embark on. (Still kinda secret but maybe I will give you some more clues soon ) And for that I am really happy and thankful of where I am.

On to other things.

It's so hot and still here. Earthquake weather, literally. We have had three since yesterday, including quite a big one of 7.2 but it was centred pretty far away so it didn't do too much, though living three stories up you feel the building sway even if it's just a littlie.

It was very strange as I was awake in the hot early hours of the morning, writing, I noticed all the sounds suddenly stopped. There were no birds, there were no people, there were no cars, there was no wind - not a single breath of air. And I live right in the middle of the city. It is loud here all the time. I am used to it. But there was nothing, only this quiet, eerie stillness that felt very strange. Earthquake weather I thought again.

And then it hit.

My room started quaking and my balcony doors which were open to let the air in so my brain would not feel so stifled in the heat shook loudly and I worried that the pieces of glass might throw themselves off the balcony and on to the road to shatter into a million pieces. But they didn't. They just sort of rumbled quietly, the curtains rustling with them, and eventually the tremors subsided and I felt the city breathe again.

But I couldn't sleep after that. So I stayed up all night writing things which I thought mattered at the time they happened, even if they couldn't really matter now. And I thought about my life a lot and what the hell I was doing with it.

So I discovered a few things and made some decisions.

Basically I don't want to put down roots right now, I just want to travel and write and model and meet new exciting people and have new experiences and go to heaps of gigs and just have fun. I just want to be inspired and figure things out before I 'knuckle down' whatever that means. I want more than an ordinary life. I get bored too easily by working in an office for something that means nothing to me and all that entails. I want excitement. I want creativity, art, passion, music, poetry, beauty, meaning and to help where I can. That's what I want. That's what I'm going to go get, do, be, experience, have.

I almost just wanna sit in a tiny little room in another city or another country with my laptop and just write, write, write. Money is irrelevant. Material possessions are irrelevant. Drama is irrelevant. Fame is irrelevant. Sex is irrelevant. The past is irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant but this. This is real. This is who I am. This is what I do. This is it.

It's no more idle-dreaming.


Only being.


Haha FUCK this is a serious-sounding entry. The kind of thing I usually keep to myself in favour of writing stuff I think is funny haha. But really I am amazing right now and I sincerely hope that you, whoever you are who is reading this, are amazing too. Life is a wonderful thing. And it's the only chance we've got. So I'm going to take it.

I'm writing my resignation for my job as I speak with no other current job lined up to go to I'm just trusting it into the fate of the universe that the perfect solution will present itself aha. Maybe I'm going crazy. Or maybe I am finally sane.

Who knows?

Take a chance. Enjoy your week
Xoxo

P.S. I have photos for you. Modelling ones. And drunk/travelling ones. They will be up soon. Plus I shot a new set for SG the other day. I feel like it is a step more in the direction of art than purely just snapshots of the removal of clothes haha and it is very pin-uppy which I love. Thanks to my wonderful photog for shooting it. And I hope you get to see it soon and tell me what you think. We shall see

Xo

Be brave