pammy

Had a family game night last night with a very good friend of mine, Tommy and his kids and Josh and I and our kids. We had a really good time and it scared me a little just how comfortable I was having a guy over with kids and all and just chillin at the homestead. No I havn't changed my mind on the way I intend to go out with people. I still can't get too emotionally involved and I know that makes me a complete pussy. I mean Tommy is one of those GOOD guys who would do anything for anybody. Has strong values, etc. But you know me, I'd find a way to either fuck it all up or get myself fucked up. The instant I realised how comfortable I was becoming I pulled away a bit, because he is not the type of person I would want to hurt at all. I didn't want to give off the wrong vibes and all.But apperantly it was too late because he was talking to me on the phone until four am explaining that he is a traditional person and wants a traditional relationship with me. I don't know what I'm going to do and I'm scared because he is one of the nicest and most genuine friends I have met in a long time, but I am soooooo not ready for anything serious with anyone. If I were I'd be begging someone else more than likely to have me because I'm retarded like that.I'm just really really confused anytime someone gets too close then expects I am going to change my independant ways and the way I run MY show and god forbid my sexuality. It's always difficult to explain that it's hard to be in a commited relationship with a man when you are attracted to women as well, I mean they honestly think the attraction to women goes away the instant THEY fall in love with you. it just doesn't work that way and then they end up upset when they realise you are checking out the same ass they are.What was a fantasy for them before you were together would be considered "cheating" in the relationship after you are together, that sort of thing. I just don't know what to say to him and I really don't want him out of my life. boohoo. The other thng I have to consider is my son and how that would work for him, Tommy has a severely autistic son and Tyler and Jesse get along amazing and that's always a concern if anything ever happened. Plus in case all this wasn't entirely too stressful, Tommy is crippled from a tractor trailor accident and walks with a cane now but eventually will be in a wheelchair. He has not had to work for a few years and will never have to again, but he is very very active. he has custody of his two children and takes very good care of them. His daughter Ashley is 18 and just insanely cool all on her own, she is taking welding and practically restored her old ass el camino all by herself (tell me that's not totally badass) she has a very sweet boyfriend we call Bambi who tommy has basically taken into his home as another child as his home life is really indescribable hell. All of that plus the autistic hyperactive 14 yr old son and being in pain himself constantly, I really think he's pretty amazing. It's just very hard to imagine trying to settle down into a long term realtionship with anyone and here he's so traditional that he thinks nothing of just saying flat out that he wants to marry again one day. Again you know ME, I never want to get married!