pajamamama

I am depressed...really depressed. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I haven't been this bad in a long time. I had an anxiety attack for the first time in a long time the other day...that kinda bums me out. I hate those. Last time things were really bad I was only sleeping 1 or 2 hours a night...my sleep is starting to be screwed up again...I don't want to go back to that...it was hard enough to deal with the first time around. I feel like I am spiraling back down when I was just starting to feel better and more like me again. I can feel myself wanting to isolate myself from the world. I can feel myself becoming numb...

I know I get depressed durning the holidays anyway. I think growing up in my house Christmas and every other holiday was bitter sweet. They were not always or usually happy celabrations and if they were it would only be for a few hours before my Dad ruined everything. He has asked me if he can come for Christmas...I have no idea why after the conversations we have had recently. I mean he knows a lot of what I am going through is because of him...I told him that. I guess he really doesn't listen. I am not sure what to do about it. Anyway I shouldn't even talk about it cause it doesn't matter. I get advice that I don't listen to even when I know it right. I feel guilty telling him no, I feel angry at myself for feeling guilty but I can't stop myself no matter what. I want him to hear what I am saying so bad...I want it to click...but I don't think it ever will unless I just disappear some day...even then I bet he would find me. Whatever...I don't even know where I am going with this.

Sorry this is such a downer blog. I usually feel better when I say things out loud and I tend to come here to do it. Sometimes I come here to put on a happy face too, but I can't do it anymore...it takes too much energy. I haven't been smiley for days and I don't even care.

I am taking the kids out to get the tree tonight and I am going to take them out to dinner and to some stores so they can show me what they want...I have lists but seeing is better for me. I am thinking this is going to help me feel better. It will get my out of the house with my two most favoirte people in the world, they are the reason I exsist. I can't imagine what I would be without them.

I want to say Thank you to all of you that care so much and make my days brighter. You guys are the best. Please don't worry though...I will be fine. I just need some time to breath and think. I have to stop distracting myself and just deal for real. I am sorry I have not been a very good friend lately.

I am going to call the doctor now cause I am wondering if my meds need increasing...sure feels like they do and maybe thats really all it is...okay so call him and then shower.



Update...I think I have an idea. I am going to sit in a hot bath with LOTS of bubbles and listen to some good music...then I am going to get all the shit done I have to so I can emerse myself in my children tonight and being a Mom. If I can watch them smile all night and hear them laugh I know I will "wake" up. I need some good quality me, Nick, and Annabelle time. I am missing them very much these days with all they have going on and all I have going on...we need to do more family oriented stuff. This will be good!