painunbound

So maybe I'm going nuts, or mybe it's the heat settling in for the summer, but I feel a little unhinged... I hate second guessing myself and lately that's all I seem to be doing. I make bad choices, and alot of them. Which sucks, because nothing seems to bring me closer to what I want in life. I have weird relationships with those who are closest to me and strained relationships with the people who seem to genuinely care. Some days are better than others. I mean I know it's all day after day, but what is this feeling of constant unrest? Is this what I am, or is this really the product of being a Gen X'r? I was having this conversation last week with someone I don't like very much, but I like the conversations because I respect her for her intelligence, and she said something like, "I really feel for your generation because there's really nowhere for you to go". It hurts because it's kinda true, I mean most of the people I know who went and pursued higher education didn't get a job in there field and ended up at square one again. With the middle class shrinking, and colleges churning out more and more graduates, the job market to say the least isn't all that great. But is this really my problem or is it something bigger than myself? I think about faith alot and the fact that I don't have any. I'm a reader so I've read all the big religious books, and attended services with the big three and I left unfullfilled from all the houses of worship, how is it that any ignorant person can be touched, and uplifted, but when I go with an open mind and heart I walk away feeling more frustrated and angry then when I went in? Am I human? I would kill to have someone who could just go on and on about this stuff with me. Right now it's a little hard, and talking to myself is never all it's cracked up to be. First of all I'm a dick when it comes to reading into things, and secondly my track record for advice to myself hasn't been all that... I mean hell I admitted I make the wrong choices all the time, does that sound like a person who gets sound advice? So therefore, I really don't know myself. Forgive me if I sound to bleak but I'm just clearing the air here, and it's not really for the purpose of telling a story but more-so just to hear myself talk. I like the idea of throwing things out into the universe, if you go by Aristophocles (Hope I spelled that right) then everything I do effects everything else, so by writing this I might be doing some good somewhere far away from here, or I'm unleashing yet another monsoon on the poor people of Bangledesh. I'm starting to believe I could have been responsible for the first one. It's one of those things you know. You have a thought and you put it out there, but where does it go? Thoughts if you wanna get scientific, is energy at the quantum level, and if you go with what they say about energy moving at the speed of light then it has mass, and density, and weight. It might be only a billionth of and ounce, but where does it all go? It's strange cause thoughts like that make me feel very small, so it's not really helping my mood any. It just points out that I'm a fool who talks too much. A person with too many fears. In a life with very little going on and nothing to look forward to, well I mean nothing beyond the ordinary day to day.

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing thats real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of s**t
On my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way