pagz

Well, it's been almost 4 weeks now. 4 weeks since my fiance emailed me to let me know she was leaving me so she could "find herself" in a letter that was almost a carbon copy of the letter she sent to her last boyfriend. Using the exact same excuses she fed to him. They were bullshit then, they're bullshit now. Why did she really leave? I don't know, and any suspicions I have are based solely on the flimsiest of circumstantial evidence and my own past prejudices that I carry from my previous heartbreaks. I do my best to dismiss these. Maybe she really believes what he wrote to me, but who can say.

It's funny. Well, maybe funny isn't the best word. It's interesting. Before this happened, I rarely drank. Now?... Well, let's jut say rarely isn't a word that can be used to describe it anymore. Who ever would have thought I was the type? Not me. Guess we surprise ourselves sometimes. I'm trying to stop. I'm trying to stop drowning my pain. It's hard.

I wish I was a stronger person. I'm trying to be, but I've truly never endured a pain like this ever in my life before. It's hard to lose love. It's harder still to have it taken away for reasons you can't understand. Was I not worth loving? Am I too ugly? too old? am I not special? why was I suddenly not worthy of her love anymore? Why did she make me believe all those wonderful things and then just take them away in the blink of an eye?

I asked for nothing except love. I gave everything I was in return. And now I am nothing.

Shit that's emo. I wish I didn't really feel like that. How embarrassing.

The hell of it is, even now I would forgive her, even now I would take her back if she wanted to come home. People make choices. Sometimes they work out for the good, sometimes they don't. I know she didn't do this to hurt me...

Do I think she'll come back? Not really. For whatever reason, be it that she truly doesn't love me anymore, that she fears coming back, whatever it may be. I hope I'm wrong.

She'll always have my heart.