Life
In life I find my self consistently losing track of myself. Always wanting what I don't want. Needing what I don't need. Feeling what I don't really feel. At every turn I go in the opposite direction as my goal. One might say that perhaps my goal is flawed. I know it is not it has burned inside me as long as I can remember. However every turn every correction I make almost purposely steers me further away. The only direction I go in is in solidifying a false perception of strength and vigor, flash and power, virility and confidence. Perhaps it is because I've never been good enough when I've been me. I always struggle so that the majority looks upon me as an icon. When others are cautious I charge forth. Charging forth in a direction that is not my own but theirs, as if I will be happy living everyone else's life but not my own. Am I strong No living on the edge of insanity at every moment. Wondering what will be the final straw. When will this tower of cards fall around me? What will happen when it does? What am I? I am a simple man wanting to be, wanting to be just ME. A nerdy guy with few friends who enjoys the simple thing's in life. Taking in those moments that everyone takes for granted in this short life of ours. More at home by myself than with any other. I want to be able to carry a conversation about the things that are life not the superficial shit that everyone focuses on while life passes them by. I don't care about the Britney's and Paris's of the world. I care about why we are here why the mind thinks and feels the way it does. What can we change to fix it all? Perhaps I am alone is this world. I feel most time like a foreigner from a distant land struggling to fit in. Trying to do as they do trying to act as they do, but that is all it is an act. I am but an actor playing a role losing myself in my role until I can no longer remember who I am. I have done many outrageous and amazing things in my short time. Was any of it what I really wanted? Not really. To start life over would be grand, but unrealistic. The question them becomes what to do with what I have created? Do I continue on play this role eventually I may forget who I really am, or change it now reverse course preserving only what I must. People will be disappointed. They will say they no longer know me. Did they ever really truly before? I have committed the largest fraud of my life. My life is my greatest fraud. Will the real me ever be accepted? Will anyone be able to understand? Will anyone even stop to notice, after all one of the greatest truths I have found in this role I play is this. We all are always playing a role subconsciously for most. We fill our time with tasks that are truly meaningless when it comes down to it. For what purpose? Perhaps if we slowed down it would give ourselves a chance to catch up. Then what would happen when we would see what we really have become. What happened to the goals we set for ourselves? Is it better this way? Or are we just running as fast as we can to the end, not wanting to stop and change course for fear of what happened at the last turn. For me it is past time. I will not allow myself to run along side those around me any longer, towards the end. It is time to slow down to breath deep, to explore meaning. My sons, my baby's they are kids now. Last I remember they were just being born. What have I missed? They say "making up for lost time" but how. You can not make up for lost time it is gone forever. Time can only be recorded once. That means we have one shot at this. One shot to say I am ME like it or not this is who I am this is what makes me happy. There is no magic way to do this many of us aren't even sure who me is. I do, it is high time I let him know I care and stop hiding him behind a mask. In closing our path may be rocky and steep, but if we arrive at the right destination in the end it is truly the best course. The smooth road doesn't always get us where we belong. Time is short for us all don't waste it.
Me From Now On,
Oxx
In life I find my self consistently losing track of myself. Always wanting what I don't want. Needing what I don't need. Feeling what I don't really feel. At every turn I go in the opposite direction as my goal. One might say that perhaps my goal is flawed. I know it is not it has burned inside me as long as I can remember. However every turn every correction I make almost purposely steers me further away. The only direction I go in is in solidifying a false perception of strength and vigor, flash and power, virility and confidence. Perhaps it is because I've never been good enough when I've been me. I always struggle so that the majority looks upon me as an icon. When others are cautious I charge forth. Charging forth in a direction that is not my own but theirs, as if I will be happy living everyone else's life but not my own. Am I strong No living on the edge of insanity at every moment. Wondering what will be the final straw. When will this tower of cards fall around me? What will happen when it does? What am I? I am a simple man wanting to be, wanting to be just ME. A nerdy guy with few friends who enjoys the simple thing's in life. Taking in those moments that everyone takes for granted in this short life of ours. More at home by myself than with any other. I want to be able to carry a conversation about the things that are life not the superficial shit that everyone focuses on while life passes them by. I don't care about the Britney's and Paris's of the world. I care about why we are here why the mind thinks and feels the way it does. What can we change to fix it all? Perhaps I am alone is this world. I feel most time like a foreigner from a distant land struggling to fit in. Trying to do as they do trying to act as they do, but that is all it is an act. I am but an actor playing a role losing myself in my role until I can no longer remember who I am. I have done many outrageous and amazing things in my short time. Was any of it what I really wanted? Not really. To start life over would be grand, but unrealistic. The question them becomes what to do with what I have created? Do I continue on play this role eventually I may forget who I really am, or change it now reverse course preserving only what I must. People will be disappointed. They will say they no longer know me. Did they ever really truly before? I have committed the largest fraud of my life. My life is my greatest fraud. Will the real me ever be accepted? Will anyone be able to understand? Will anyone even stop to notice, after all one of the greatest truths I have found in this role I play is this. We all are always playing a role subconsciously for most. We fill our time with tasks that are truly meaningless when it comes down to it. For what purpose? Perhaps if we slowed down it would give ourselves a chance to catch up. Then what would happen when we would see what we really have become. What happened to the goals we set for ourselves? Is it better this way? Or are we just running as fast as we can to the end, not wanting to stop and change course for fear of what happened at the last turn. For me it is past time. I will not allow myself to run along side those around me any longer, towards the end. It is time to slow down to breath deep, to explore meaning. My sons, my baby's they are kids now. Last I remember they were just being born. What have I missed? They say "making up for lost time" but how. You can not make up for lost time it is gone forever. Time can only be recorded once. That means we have one shot at this. One shot to say I am ME like it or not this is who I am this is what makes me happy. There is no magic way to do this many of us aren't even sure who me is. I do, it is high time I let him know I care and stop hiding him behind a mask. In closing our path may be rocky and steep, but if we arrive at the right destination in the end it is truly the best course. The smooth road doesn't always get us where we belong. Time is short for us all don't waste it.
Me From Now On,
Oxx
burmilla:
