so maybe im crazy. or i over-react. and im not an angel.
..sigh...
i woke up a few hours ago, i tripped with my best bud last nite, and tay came over to play...and i had fun. i dont do this often AT ALL...it was actually only my second time tripping. i smoke some...not often...and i really dont drink much anymore. i used to drink all the time, but i was hiding from myself and figured i could be 'fun, party girl celia' if i was wasted. i havn't been to Bernies in months(my old bar) and i havn't been shitfaced in a long time. i dont want to be really...
herein likes a problem.
my boyfriend is far away. FAR, FAR away. NEW MEXICO, away. so, i see him, NEVER. he was just here, it was...perfect, words cannot describe what an amazing, thoughtful, intelligent man he is. he rocks my face off.
and so, we have to talk on the phone a lot. and i love that he calls, and leaves me cute messages, and stuff no one else ever did for me. stuff that makes me feel worthwhile and special.
last nite, he called me and told me he was preparing to throw a party with some friends. and i had this, initial 'aww, im not there' moment, and then just figured, cool, he'll have fun. so i tell him, have fun, be careful, which is what ia lways say...
i got a voicemail from him a few hours later, a slurred one, saying 'iloveyou'etc. around 4AM, i call him, before i go to bed, its 2am his time. someperson answers his phone in spanish. i say, um, speak english, im not sure what you're saying. i ask who it is, and my boyfriend says its him. i dont recodnize him. his mannerism, his voice, the speed in his speach, none of it. and he says he has to go and puke, and so, we say goodnite
so he calls me this morning. i have to interject here saying, i DONT KNOW WHY, but i feel weird about his drinking. and, he's not a mean person when he's drunk. but, kelly mentioned that when he was here, a LOT of his stories started out, 'blah blah i was drunk' or 'we were so wasted and blahblah'...
so on one hand, i feel like a hyprocrite, because i've had alifestyle like that.and who am i to say, 'it makes me uncomfortable when you drink'?? maybe it'd be different if i was there. maybe...
on the other hand i feel like, it makes me feel...detatched from him. Chris, my last boyfriend, had HUGE alcohol and drug problems, that i DIDNT SEE, because i was busy thinking he was a wonderful person. and he turned out to really hurt me, and put substance over our relationship...
i dont EXPECT that from A but, the prospect scares me. i dont want to not see something. and i dont want to EVER ask him to compromise who he is and what he does for ME. thats just dumb.
so anyway, he calls me this morning, and starts saying how, he feels bad, doen'st want to drink as much because of me, etc. and im like, 'okay, well, tahts good i guess, but dont let it be because of ME'. then his friend walks into the room he's in and A says something (sorta proudly) about how he had projectile vomiting. ...
WHAT?
...so, im like, okay, dont LIE and SAY you dont want to drink, or party, or whatever because you THINK its what i want to hear. that makes me feel shitty. and i dont know how to feel.
mike says that its a girl thing to not like the idea of their boyfriends off without them. i realize, thats sorta the hand i've been dealt.but mike also says im being irrational. i don remember why now. he talks a lot.
i odnt know what to say to A. i dont want him to change. i dont want to influence what he does with his OWN life. because i have NO right. but...its sort of killing me.
..sigh...
i woke up a few hours ago, i tripped with my best bud last nite, and tay came over to play...and i had fun. i dont do this often AT ALL...it was actually only my second time tripping. i smoke some...not often...and i really dont drink much anymore. i used to drink all the time, but i was hiding from myself and figured i could be 'fun, party girl celia' if i was wasted. i havn't been to Bernies in months(my old bar) and i havn't been shitfaced in a long time. i dont want to be really...
herein likes a problem.
my boyfriend is far away. FAR, FAR away. NEW MEXICO, away. so, i see him, NEVER. he was just here, it was...perfect, words cannot describe what an amazing, thoughtful, intelligent man he is. he rocks my face off.
and so, we have to talk on the phone a lot. and i love that he calls, and leaves me cute messages, and stuff no one else ever did for me. stuff that makes me feel worthwhile and special.
last nite, he called me and told me he was preparing to throw a party with some friends. and i had this, initial 'aww, im not there' moment, and then just figured, cool, he'll have fun. so i tell him, have fun, be careful, which is what ia lways say...
i got a voicemail from him a few hours later, a slurred one, saying 'iloveyou'etc. around 4AM, i call him, before i go to bed, its 2am his time. someperson answers his phone in spanish. i say, um, speak english, im not sure what you're saying. i ask who it is, and my boyfriend says its him. i dont recodnize him. his mannerism, his voice, the speed in his speach, none of it. and he says he has to go and puke, and so, we say goodnite
so he calls me this morning. i have to interject here saying, i DONT KNOW WHY, but i feel weird about his drinking. and, he's not a mean person when he's drunk. but, kelly mentioned that when he was here, a LOT of his stories started out, 'blah blah i was drunk' or 'we were so wasted and blahblah'...
so on one hand, i feel like a hyprocrite, because i've had alifestyle like that.and who am i to say, 'it makes me uncomfortable when you drink'?? maybe it'd be different if i was there. maybe...
on the other hand i feel like, it makes me feel...detatched from him. Chris, my last boyfriend, had HUGE alcohol and drug problems, that i DIDNT SEE, because i was busy thinking he was a wonderful person. and he turned out to really hurt me, and put substance over our relationship...
i dont EXPECT that from A but, the prospect scares me. i dont want to not see something. and i dont want to EVER ask him to compromise who he is and what he does for ME. thats just dumb.
so anyway, he calls me this morning, and starts saying how, he feels bad, doen'st want to drink as much because of me, etc. and im like, 'okay, well, tahts good i guess, but dont let it be because of ME'. then his friend walks into the room he's in and A says something (sorta proudly) about how he had projectile vomiting. ...
WHAT?
...so, im like, okay, dont LIE and SAY you dont want to drink, or party, or whatever because you THINK its what i want to hear. that makes me feel shitty. and i dont know how to feel.
mike says that its a girl thing to not like the idea of their boyfriends off without them. i realize, thats sorta the hand i've been dealt.but mike also says im being irrational. i don remember why now. he talks a lot.
i odnt know what to say to A. i dont want him to change. i dont want to influence what he does with his OWN life. because i have NO right. but...its sort of killing me.