I have been on a path of self development for a long time now. I think I have run into a spot that all eventually come to when pursuing self awareness. All is for not. In other words i don't want family, I don't want success, I don't want love, I don't want the opposite of those things either. I don't want anything. I am not really depressed. It's just that, literally my happyest times come when I have absolutely nothing except my life.
Beauty still inspires me. Maybe if beauty stood beside me, walked beside me, lived beside me, maybe then I would want something.
I tried to push through this feeling. My flows. My words. My whole time here on SG. Still this feeling that it is all for nothing so what is the point consumes me. The feeling that all this is not contributing to my happiness. The feeling that I would be happier if I just had nothing the rest of my life. These feelings stay with me. What is this? I have had these feelings all my life. Why are they a part of me? Why does it feel like I am about to give my self to the nothingness that I feel. I will not take my own life. But I will not make more of my life either. Or maybe I will.
