oubliette1

I just had a thought recently. Let's get one thing straight: I HATE relationships. Before my first one, I was apathetic. Couldn't say I liked or hated them for never having experienced one. While the first one was a good relationship....it was also a let down. That was what I was doomed to repeat. again. again. and a-fucking-gain. Not that he was a bad guy, but we just turned into a bad situation. Some form of game called "who can hurt whom more?" Well, after that I made a vow. NO musicians. Not again. well, I moved from a bass player...on to another....than a guitarist...and next a singer. There was no end to my magnetic energy that somehow attracted me to musicians. But after that defeat I made a more realistic vow: don't take them seriously. A revelation hit me. If I just have fun, and don't feed into their "love you forever" bullshit; then I won't be hurt. So I went with some guys as exotic as tattoo artists...I was having fun. Not getting hurt. And here I am. One month into the relationship. Its all fun. Until he broke up with me. I cried a night. The next day woke up like nothing had happened. I felt good. It was fun. I wasn't hurt. The day after that...same thing. Then he came back. we made up. I was giddy again. But along with our reunion came a serious conversation. Things seemed changed afterwards. This complete joke of a relationship, just got serious. We'd get sick of eachother and leave.....45 minutes later get a phone call from the other wondering what they were doing. Now I'm wondering when he leaves....who's house is he going to, and was he getting laid. Things like that. It used to be whatever. Now when he looks at some other girl, I wonder if she's gunna be the one to ruin it for me. It's not that I don't trust him, I just know what's gunna happen. There is always a better girl. When he left tonight the mood of the evening shifted. I'm sleeping alone tonight...but where is he? Not that he wasn't sympathetic to this. In defense of his intentions that he was, in fact, my guy he held me close and gave me an incredible goodnight kiss. A kiss that should be remembers. Sweet but powerful. A perfect combination of everything I like about him. But I'm off topic. My point is: I'm serving my heart up on a platter. Before he strolled along it was well protected. How in my obsinate nature, did I let him stroll away just now with my heart? And more importantly: what's he gunna do with it? Am I just a face in between fashion magazines? Who am I to him? Who does he see? Is it really me?