oubliette1

I hate anxiety. I had my worste anxiety attack last night. Worse than its ever been in my entire life. I wanted to curl up and die. I threw up. I barely have any nails left. I scratched my skin raw. All that for that. Tony and I got into a fight yesterday. He said that I didn't care about Katie. That I never ask about her. That whenever he talks about her I ignore it. WELL FUCKIN DUH! Of course I ignore it. Then he argues we've been broken up for bla bla bla months and that I should be over it. He was my first everything. And we were intamite for so long afterwards. I told him that I was happy for him, and he said "Obviously not if you don't even care to meet her" oh, but this was after he said I needed to find a place to stay tonight...but I'm always welcome there...If I can't stay at his house WHY DID HE GIVE ME A FUCKING KEY TO HIS APARTMENT???? When I said let's chill on Friday, aparently that meant only during the day because I'm supposed to drive back to Petaluma...and when he pulls the bullshit "oh you never told me you were staying in town, and I made these plans 2 weeks ago." You fucking liar. I was there Thursday night when you told Jacob that your plans were in the air for Friday. I walked in Friday afternoon when you were making those plans with Katie. So now you guilt trip me into finding a place to stay the night...but I CAN'T stay at Dani's house because she's done drugs. Right. So I can't stay there because YOU'LL feel like shit. I hate to tell you this, but if I can't find a place to stay at your house, I'm not gunna keep intruding on Jaime's house. I WILL stay the night at Dani's. She IS my bestfriend. And I love how you assume that you're the only one stressed. No I never get stressed. You're stressed about me not getting along with Katie. Well, I'm FUCKING STRESSED ABOUT MEETING HER. and I'm FUCKING stressed about school, and I'm FUCKING stressed about me fighting with my mom for 2 weeks now, and I'm FUCKING stressed about my nieces first infusion. No. You're the only one who ever feels anything. I'm just you're bitch who plays along. So I had to sit around while you all got drunk and I had to watch. I had to watch you make moves on her in MY car because you guys couldn't drive. I couldn't drink because I had to find a place to sleep and drive there. Oh, but I had to play Miss Suzie Home-maker. And smile and be sociable, when you KNOW I can't do that...oh, but it's ok. I'll get over it right? And after all this you say "Will I see you tomorrow." Well, yes you will. I need my fucking anthropology book before I leave...side note: sorry about the blood in your bathroom...

sorry about the long rant. my night wasn't that good.

and I know that I didn't have to do all that shit, but I did...I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.