I thought that I would join @nayru and countless others in sharing my struggle. it's easy to just share articles and share other stories, but sharing your own is often difficult. not everyone is understanding, so it makes it hard to be so open about your struggles. but what better day to share it than today!
I have severe social anxiety. daily conversations with friends is often extremely difficult for me. I'm the girl that hides in the shadows at parties or large get togethers (although if there are animals near, I'll be by them instead). I have gotten a lot better at dealing with it than I did when I was younger.
when I was younger my coping mechanism was self injury. I would become so numb that cutting became the only way to feel. I also used it to cope with a few other things I was dealing with. I won't lie and say that I'm completely clean, because I do still have thoughts about it. the thoughts may not be as often anymore and I doubt they will truly be completely gone. however, I have not picked up a razor or sharp object to my skin in almost 5 years! (the end of this month will officially make 5!)
I over analyze every single text, comment, or thought to the point that I don't say anything at all. if I'm around a lot of people it becomes so overwhelming in my head that it becomes a mild panic attack. sometimes if I feel the panic attack starting, I try to push it aside until I can't deal with it anymore and it becomes a massive attack.
a mild panic attack for me would be; sweaty palms, my heartbeat gets fast and loud, I feel like I can't breathe and my face becomes a bit numb.
the massive attacks for me is basically everything in a mild, except multiplied to the point where all I do is cry. I have no thoughts, I can't control my body, and all I know how to do is cry.
it gets really scary for me. I try to overcome my fears and do things that are way out of my comfort zone. like earlier this year I went to the Orlando shoot fest! while majority of my time was spent fighting panic attacks, I'm really proud of myself for just having the courage to go.
I often let my anxiety control my life, and while I know that I shouldn't, it's hard to just "let it go." it's more than just being nervous around people, I'm genuinely frightened at the thought. my head is consumed with thoughts like "what if I say something stupid?" "what if no one likes me" "what if everyone thinks I'm strange" "no don't say that, it doesn't make sense" "omg they are whispering, probably about you because you're stupid"
irrational thoughts, I know, but hard to stop them. I do my best at making and keeping friends but it's often hard. the longest friendship I've ever had ended a few years ago and I think in a small way it's changed me. I'm hoping that being more open and honest about my feelings and my anxiety will help me with my friendships.
I have yet to develop any real coping mechanisms for my anxiety, at the moment it's my girlfriends arms. if you have anxiety, what do you do when things get overwhelming?
I hope everyone takes care of themselves because you are important and you do matter! in the words of the doctor "all of time and space and I've never met anyone that wasn't important" 💙
