lately
iv been questioning everything
and not
really
because i intended to.
the questions just started and i cant seem to control it in anyway.
im questioning everything about myself and my life
and while questioning certainly isnt bad as such,
it dosnt leave me in a very stable position.
i find myself confronted with things iv pushed aside or buried deep
and
for the moment it dosnt seem like im "working through" to anything
theres no conclusions or results or destination in all this supposed 'self discovery' or whatever
and to be honest
its not nice.
its making me very insecure and very sad
and very paranoid
and that all makes me unhappy in itself because me being lame is a sign of my own mediocrity
and well thats just bad
tho there is that side of me which points out that being able to notice your own mediocrity is a sign you are not, in fact, mediocre. or at least have the potential not to be. really mediocre people never realize that about themselves.
nevertheless
im finding myself irritating and whiney
because i feel useless and stupid
because i lack a reason in my life
tho "technically" i have nothing to actually feel that way about
but i know, and you know, even if you dont want to admit it out loud here
that trying to justify your self with, or through, another person
is not only futile
its dumb
and it dosnt work
unfortunately
the only answer to my dilemma
that i can see
is to do
and let the doing take over the *being*
[which works fine in theory]
but how do you paint, when you cant make yourself paint, when the idea of painting seems so far away from what you are capable of, when you have no idea how or where to start, or what it is you would start if you could
painting is merely an example here
this is an all round epidemic of self doubt and existential angst
....
lame
im sure you 'get' the gist of the tragi/comic vicious cycle here
haha
in a very complicated way, i was saying that i know the way you feel. And that while i can't honestly tell you that it's "OK" or that things get better, i can say that I couldn't trade that part of my head for the world. I think that you are far above mediocrity if only you choose to be and find the strength to be honest with yourself at every turn, because most people are so far from being honest with themselves.
i usually feel like i work on things or i do things for short stretches. sometimes i even feel really confident and happy for a while. but then after a time I always come back to feeling the same way. I always feel that despite all the work i do to grow and change and move forward, on some fundamental level i've stayed the same. and that all the work and change i do has only been superficial and not getting to the core of my problems... I don't know if it's really true or if it's just a reflex. But i don't think most people can't understand it, because they just don't work that way and it feels lonely.
and there are ways to work on it. things you can do to work on problems of motivation.
again - i can't even began to rewrite everything i said before... but i feel like we are two peas in the same pod and i was pourin my heart out to try and help. maybe i'll come back to it in a day or two.