my life needs so much changing...
i wonder about the world. and why so many people are depressed. and what it could mean.
just yesterday i finally admitted to myself that i am part of that multitude. majority? i mean,who isnt depressed these days?! who ever they are i hope they realise they'r living the dream
wow. so its taken a couple of years, forced visits to a psychologist at the end of high school,some more years,moving here and falling into a way deeper hole, and an 'intervention' type conversation with my boyfriend over msn as spokesperson for my friends, to get me to finally admit it. 
all along i think i felt that admitting,or suggesting i was would be weakness somehow. that quite a lot of kids say "omg im soo depressed,my parents dont understand me,i cut myself to emo music,lol" 
and yeah... oh kaaay,im not making much sense.
are any of you familiar with Terry Pratchett and The Discworld? in specific i mean Vimes. im like Vimes,cynical and one drink down of sober ...that might make even less sense...
the point is: earlier this year i suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted.i felt like the hopelessness which was part of my thinking since i could remember pretty much,had disappeared. that i had found the stairs out of the pit id always been in,and while i was no where near out,i knew which way to go...um, :/ since i got here (august 17th) iv felt like iv fallen backwards deaper than ever...you know when you're in a dark room,and its so dark your eyes feel strange if you open them,and you cant tell if your walking forwards or in a circle? its kindof where i am now. its never been this bad. and people notices this from short conversations over the internet soo... yeah
that 'intervention' type talk with rob and talking to Sarah the other night...those really made me look at myself and see these things iv been trying to ignore in the hopes theyd go away. heh,they almost did too oh the irony!!! iv also realised iv been having little anxiety or panic attacks or something. im not sure what they are. :/
im not gonna write out examples of stuff coz that would be boring (more boring than this has already been!) and you all would prolly not want to talk to me again or something. i dunno.
um,so,iv aquired some st.johns wort tablets for the moment,but am trying to organize a visit to a GP and or psychiatrist :/ meh,they once tried to send me to a psychiatrist,and i was dead set against meds, and now,well, i dont know what else to do. i dont want to feel like this anymore 
oh the irony!!!
yeah,this all sounds very lame and -emo- and self pitying and such sorry bout that v_v
i wonder about the world. and why so many people are depressed. and what it could mean.
just yesterday i finally admitted to myself that i am part of that multitude. majority? i mean,who isnt depressed these days?! who ever they are i hope they realise they'r living the dream
wow. so its taken a couple of years, forced visits to a psychologist at the end of high school,some more years,moving here and falling into a way deeper hole, and an 'intervention' type conversation with my boyfriend over msn as spokesperson for my friends, to get me to finally admit it. all along i think i felt that admitting,or suggesting i was would be weakness somehow. that quite a lot of kids say "omg im soo depressed,my parents dont understand me,i cut myself to emo music,lol" and yeah... oh kaaay,im not making much sense.
are any of you familiar with Terry Pratchett and The Discworld? in specific i mean Vimes. im like Vimes,cynical and one drink down of sober
...that might make even less sense...
the point is: earlier this year i suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted.i felt like the hopelessness which was part of my thinking since i could remember pretty much,had disappeared. that i had found the stairs out of the pit id always been in,and while i was no where near out,i knew which way to go...um, :/ since i got here (august 17th) iv felt like iv fallen backwards deaper than ever...you know when you're in a dark room,and its so dark your eyes feel strange if you open them,and you cant tell if your walking forwards or in a circle? its kindof where i am now. its never been this bad. and people notices this from short conversations over the internet soo... yeah
that 'intervention' type talk with rob and talking to Sarah the other night...those really made me look at myself and see these things iv been trying to ignore in the hopes theyd go away. heh,they almost did too oh the irony!!! iv also realised iv been having little anxiety or panic attacks or something. im not sure what they are. :/
im not gonna write out examples of stuff coz that would be boring (more boring than this has already been!) and you all would prolly not want to talk to me again or something. i dunno.
um,so,iv aquired some st.johns wort tablets for the moment,but am trying to organize a visit to a GP and or psychiatrist :/ meh,they once tried to send me to a psychiatrist,and i was dead set against meds, and now,well, i dont know what else to do.
i dont want to feel like this anymore oh the irony!!!
yeah,this all sounds very lame and -emo- and self pitying and such
sorry bout that v_v
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
no really tho... I've struggled with depression among a few other things and early in this year i made the silly mistake of thinking I had beaten it and would "never be depressed again". pshhh. Although i haven't been diagnosed, i think I'm bi-polar (i've got a sibling or two with that) and I know i've got a lot of other issues. But hell, everybody's got issues and most people don't want to admit it.
Aight. Powerful cliche moment right here:
Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.
heehee. i love saying shit like that. it's totally true. Yesterday i had my first session with a therapist (was recommended by a friend who's doing really well). I actually surprised most of the people I know, because it was my own decision and nobody had to tell me to get help. Even Chriss, my therapist, was telling me about how this was probably one of the biggest decisions i've ever made in my life. That made me feel really good about myself. Just one session has made a huge impact.
Tons of people can give you advice. Basically you've got options that work differently for different people and you've gotta decide what's best for you. Personally, i'm very opposed to medication, because I feel that dependancy on a prescribed medicine is no better than a dependancy on alcohol, heroin, or anything like that. I'm cautious about psychiatrists because I think they try to fit you into a profile they studied in some text book. I dunno. I like therapy because I love nothing more than talking to people and I wear my heart on my sleeve with anyone.
If you can work it out financially, then I think therapy is great. To me it seems like the most... humane approach to improving your life. And if you do go that route remember that all therapists and psychiatrists are not the same and one unsuccessful or bad experience doesn't mean it's not a good option.
hmm. this is a very heavy topic. If there are any local pet stores i suggest you take some time out to go and play with small, furry animals.
it's baby steps, but steps none the less so hurrah!
xx