My mother called me for information about taxes. Info about student loans and whatnot that she and Daddy had paid off. I had to go into my old account on my university's site to get it and sadly enough it gave me such a...not thrill but good feeling.
I don't know, looking at the numbers, adding this to find the correct amt, figure out how much I paid off as opposed to them. I hated adv. accounting but I was surprisingly good at it. I miss feeling smart and being able to have conversations that don't invovle baby topics. I'm still mourning my independence.
The thought that scares me the most is that my relationship with my husband has always been best when we were apart. I'd be able to long for him without actually having him there in person to irk my nerves. I could make him as romantic as possible in my mind and he couldn't not do anything to mess that up.
I had my emotional support from my friends so I didn't really need it from him. Yet, he'd give much more of himself online than he ever could/does in person.
I no longer have my distraction of school and two jobs. I have the equivalent of 3 by being a stay-at-home mother but its driving me crazy. He's been gone to the field a few days and I'm crawling up the walls. I can't be a housewife indefinitely.
Yet, when he goes to Iraq, I'll begin school, the baby will begin daycare, and if I can manage, I'll get a part-time job as well (hopefully something at the school or I'll find a connection from back in the day). I can't wait to feel productive again. I've dumbed down so much if the younger me, met the present me, I would've considered her a bit spazzish (sp?).
I was ready to conquer back in the day. If I get that way again with school, a job, and taking care of the baby I don't know what place my husband will have when he gets back. If I dust off my ambitions he won't be pleased b/c they were central to LGBTQ issues w/i the minority community. That will just keep our problems in the forefront. But that area is my area.
I thought being in Europe would cure some of this wanderlust but since we haven't been able to go anywhere its still there and I know that, as with most plans of ours, if I don't make it happen, it won't happen.
I'm taking a bitch moment...bear with me. But I keep thinking about when he proposed. I went to Hawaii (where he was stationed) and I had asked him repeatedly to check out the hotel I planned on booking before I paid for it. He never got around to it. So I get there and its a piece of sh*t hotel. There was someone else in our room so they gave us a room which apparently had never been aired out and it was very disappointing. I was so mad b/c I asked him so many times to just check the hotel out b/c this was our engagement vacation (my spring break) and he forgot/never got around to it even though he'd been in the area with his friend a few times. Okay, I tried to overlook it. I meet his friends, who are nice for the most part. One morning we go eat at a subway, come back to this crappy hotel and I'm sitting on the bed and out of the corner of my eye I see him kneel. My insides are screaming "NO!!!NOT HERE!!" But I have to turn and in this musky room that I hate, he proposes and I cry. I tell him it was because I was overwhelmed and a bunch of other stuff but it was really because I knew I'd carry the memory of being proposed to in some smelly, crappy hotel room that I hated and he couldn't even tell.
I do many things because its practicality that means stability and my family favors stability. But theres so much sh*t I hold against him for not realizing. Wondering how he can see certain parts so well and even when I tell him, other parts are left by the wayside. I need some big, f*cking, romantic gestures. I need the rose petals, and bubble baths, and slow dancing and for freak's sake if I have to tell him in detail exactly what to do then I might as well just do it myself!
I'm fucking 23 and he's going to fucking war and although at one point he mentioned maybe wanting to go to Vegas, just me and him, now he wants to go home to see his fam and catch up with old friends. That's understandable but why has spending alone time with just me gotten cut out of that? Why am I the one that will have to bring that to his attention (as usual?)
Yes, I'm feeling lonely if you haven't noticed.
At school, my friends had boyfriends that did what I wish my husband would do. My ex-roomie in a relationship with a woman asked me about our romance and I smiled and changed the subject. I would gush about all this to him and it'd go in one ear and out the other.
For our last leave, I had to make all the plans for Myrtle Beach b/c I knew he wouldn't think about time for just me and him otherwise. Why am I freakin' here if I'm the only one that can see the need for just us time? And I know he's going to fucking war but he wasn't back in the day and that should be even more of a reason for him to want to spend just us time together.
I told my mother I'd give things time but that I expect certain things from a partner, hopefully some things can be developed over time.
I feel like such an ass complaining when he's going to war but when he comes back hes still going to need even more support and when I can step back from all this supporting...what am I supposed to expect?
I'm too fucking vunerable and he hasn't even left yet.
I don't know, looking at the numbers, adding this to find the correct amt, figure out how much I paid off as opposed to them. I hated adv. accounting but I was surprisingly good at it. I miss feeling smart and being able to have conversations that don't invovle baby topics. I'm still mourning my independence.
The thought that scares me the most is that my relationship with my husband has always been best when we were apart. I'd be able to long for him without actually having him there in person to irk my nerves. I could make him as romantic as possible in my mind and he couldn't not do anything to mess that up.
I had my emotional support from my friends so I didn't really need it from him. Yet, he'd give much more of himself online than he ever could/does in person.
I no longer have my distraction of school and two jobs. I have the equivalent of 3 by being a stay-at-home mother but its driving me crazy. He's been gone to the field a few days and I'm crawling up the walls. I can't be a housewife indefinitely.
Yet, when he goes to Iraq, I'll begin school, the baby will begin daycare, and if I can manage, I'll get a part-time job as well (hopefully something at the school or I'll find a connection from back in the day). I can't wait to feel productive again. I've dumbed down so much if the younger me, met the present me, I would've considered her a bit spazzish (sp?).
I was ready to conquer back in the day. If I get that way again with school, a job, and taking care of the baby I don't know what place my husband will have when he gets back. If I dust off my ambitions he won't be pleased b/c they were central to LGBTQ issues w/i the minority community. That will just keep our problems in the forefront. But that area is my area.
I thought being in Europe would cure some of this wanderlust but since we haven't been able to go anywhere its still there and I know that, as with most plans of ours, if I don't make it happen, it won't happen.
I'm taking a bitch moment...bear with me. But I keep thinking about when he proposed. I went to Hawaii (where he was stationed) and I had asked him repeatedly to check out the hotel I planned on booking before I paid for it. He never got around to it. So I get there and its a piece of sh*t hotel. There was someone else in our room so they gave us a room which apparently had never been aired out and it was very disappointing. I was so mad b/c I asked him so many times to just check the hotel out b/c this was our engagement vacation (my spring break) and he forgot/never got around to it even though he'd been in the area with his friend a few times. Okay, I tried to overlook it. I meet his friends, who are nice for the most part. One morning we go eat at a subway, come back to this crappy hotel and I'm sitting on the bed and out of the corner of my eye I see him kneel. My insides are screaming "NO!!!NOT HERE!!" But I have to turn and in this musky room that I hate, he proposes and I cry. I tell him it was because I was overwhelmed and a bunch of other stuff but it was really because I knew I'd carry the memory of being proposed to in some smelly, crappy hotel room that I hated and he couldn't even tell.
I do many things because its practicality that means stability and my family favors stability. But theres so much sh*t I hold against him for not realizing. Wondering how he can see certain parts so well and even when I tell him, other parts are left by the wayside. I need some big, f*cking, romantic gestures. I need the rose petals, and bubble baths, and slow dancing and for freak's sake if I have to tell him in detail exactly what to do then I might as well just do it myself!
I'm fucking 23 and he's going to fucking war and although at one point he mentioned maybe wanting to go to Vegas, just me and him, now he wants to go home to see his fam and catch up with old friends. That's understandable but why has spending alone time with just me gotten cut out of that? Why am I the one that will have to bring that to his attention (as usual?)
Yes, I'm feeling lonely if you haven't noticed.
At school, my friends had boyfriends that did what I wish my husband would do. My ex-roomie in a relationship with a woman asked me about our romance and I smiled and changed the subject. I would gush about all this to him and it'd go in one ear and out the other.
For our last leave, I had to make all the plans for Myrtle Beach b/c I knew he wouldn't think about time for just me and him otherwise. Why am I freakin' here if I'm the only one that can see the need for just us time? And I know he's going to fucking war but he wasn't back in the day and that should be even more of a reason for him to want to spend just us time together.
I told my mother I'd give things time but that I expect certain things from a partner, hopefully some things can be developed over time.
I feel like such an ass complaining when he's going to war but when he comes back hes still going to need even more support and when I can step back from all this supporting...what am I supposed to expect?
I'm too fucking vunerable and he hasn't even left yet.