So I'm feeling like a bitch. I know...but yeah. Okay, that didn't make sense. Gah! My husband and I spoke about our situation again and we just go around in circles. I can't make him understand my feelings and he wants to know all these details that won't really help but will just make him angrier.
I feel like a bitch because I was mean. I gave in and told him details about how I feel about some things I'm not going into detail about on here and watched him get angrier from it. I wanted him to be angry. I wanted him to hate me so it wouldn't be so hard...as if just because he disliked/hated me he'd stop loving me. We both know better than that though. Then he tried to shove me under his lecture of guilt and I didn't let him. It was the first time in an argument of this nature that I called certain bs for what it was.
I take blame for the majority of what is going on/what has gone on but some things are choices that he made as an adult and I'm not going to be blamed or made to feel guilt-ridden for decisions he made.
He's admitted not trusting me completely since a past mistake while dating...even if I did remain, I don't see how he could view me the same, if he's held on to that for so long w/o a repeat of that mistake on my part. What I've admitted is life-altering for all involved. To go from, "I believe we'll eventually end in divorce" to "I'll stay with you forever in guilt and shame for crushing your heart and the remainder of your trust despite your love for me"....doesn't seem feasible.
He's just driving me insane (which I'm sure is mutual). One day he's nice, one day he's mean, and I don't know how to react. I don't want to set him off (usually) b/c he's dealing with overwhelming amounts of stress in and out of the home...and screw me, I'm not on birth control. That night I allowed him to be "affectionate" we used the same method that brought our daughter along. What a *insert expletive* I am. F**K!
And for those unwilling to comment on the above...I've become a chocolate milk addict. I suppose I've seriously depleted my chocolaty goodness reserves.
I feel like a bitch because I was mean. I gave in and told him details about how I feel about some things I'm not going into detail about on here and watched him get angrier from it. I wanted him to be angry. I wanted him to hate me so it wouldn't be so hard...as if just because he disliked/hated me he'd stop loving me. We both know better than that though. Then he tried to shove me under his lecture of guilt and I didn't let him. It was the first time in an argument of this nature that I called certain bs for what it was.
I take blame for the majority of what is going on/what has gone on but some things are choices that he made as an adult and I'm not going to be blamed or made to feel guilt-ridden for decisions he made.
He's admitted not trusting me completely since a past mistake while dating...even if I did remain, I don't see how he could view me the same, if he's held on to that for so long w/o a repeat of that mistake on my part. What I've admitted is life-altering for all involved. To go from, "I believe we'll eventually end in divorce" to "I'll stay with you forever in guilt and shame for crushing your heart and the remainder of your trust despite your love for me"....doesn't seem feasible.
He's just driving me insane (which I'm sure is mutual). One day he's nice, one day he's mean, and I don't know how to react. I don't want to set him off (usually) b/c he's dealing with overwhelming amounts of stress in and out of the home...and screw me, I'm not on birth control. That night I allowed him to be "affectionate" we used the same method that brought our daughter along. What a *insert expletive* I am. F**K!
And for those unwilling to comment on the above...I've become a chocolate milk addict. I suppose I've seriously depleted my chocolaty goodness reserves.
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So you think that it was his intentions to use the same position like the one you used before to get pregnant?