I'm feeling the need to take action and I can't...I mean, I shouldn't. I can't do impulsive things like I've done in the past since theres a husband and child to consider.
I miss the security of organized religion. Back then I had the answers and was comfortable in my own self-righteousness. I hate having to feel 'wrong' and 'right' without some way to prove definitively that I am either one or the other.
I used to be an INFJ (Briggs-Meyers Personality Test) which means introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging. I wanted to change the world albeit from the sidelines
but now I've tested as ISFP (introverted, sensing, feeling, and perceptive) and have become extremely needy wrapped up in my own inner world. Of course, this test can't tell you who you are and whatnot but my changes haven't gone unnoticed.
During a phonecall my mom, in her otherwordly momness said, "You've changed. The *insertmyname* I knew isn't who you are now."
I can't make those that love me (husband, parents, siblings) grasp how I feel. I've tried with the parents once and that was heart-wrenching enough to make me cave in to anything to make them not think badly of me. I keep putting more and more people atop my unstable foundation, trying to cover the tears and leaks with wrapping that will not disappoint or be condemned.
I'm going to have to tear it down and dispose of the lies or wait for it to fall and be resigned to living amongst the wreckage still wrapping whatever pieces my hands fall upon.
I know I'm not thinking clearly but I can't just sit and hope for much longer. At least that part of myself has not changed. I'm lazy at times but not idle (if that makes sense). I can't live like this and I don't want to pull my loved ones down.
I think he can tell but like me he is scared of being alone, of thinking no one else can love him, of going on your own with the possibility of failing.
This has to be resolved or at least a plan made before he heads to Iraq.
A decision. I feel a little better.
Thank you, Aminey
Gracious, I have to get some rocky road to negate all the angst I just spewed.
Edited to say: Darnit! I know I said I wasn't going to talk about this for a while but...thats what a journal is for, right?
I miss the security of organized religion. Back then I had the answers and was comfortable in my own self-righteousness. I hate having to feel 'wrong' and 'right' without some way to prove definitively that I am either one or the other.
I used to be an INFJ (Briggs-Meyers Personality Test) which means introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging. I wanted to change the world albeit from the sidelines
but now I've tested as ISFP (introverted, sensing, feeling, and perceptive) and have become extremely needy wrapped up in my own inner world. Of course, this test can't tell you who you are and whatnot but my changes haven't gone unnoticed.
During a phonecall my mom, in her otherwordly momness said, "You've changed. The *insertmyname* I knew isn't who you are now."
I can't make those that love me (husband, parents, siblings) grasp how I feel. I've tried with the parents once and that was heart-wrenching enough to make me cave in to anything to make them not think badly of me. I keep putting more and more people atop my unstable foundation, trying to cover the tears and leaks with wrapping that will not disappoint or be condemned.
I'm going to have to tear it down and dispose of the lies or wait for it to fall and be resigned to living amongst the wreckage still wrapping whatever pieces my hands fall upon.
I know I'm not thinking clearly but I can't just sit and hope for much longer. At least that part of myself has not changed. I'm lazy at times but not idle (if that makes sense). I can't live like this and I don't want to pull my loved ones down.
I think he can tell but like me he is scared of being alone, of thinking no one else can love him, of going on your own with the possibility of failing.
This has to be resolved or at least a plan made before he heads to Iraq.
A decision. I feel a little better.
Thank you, Aminey
Gracious, I have to get some rocky road to negate all the angst I just spewed.
Edited to say: Darnit! I know I said I wasn't going to talk about this for a while but...thats what a journal is for, right?
zenichols:
I usually a pretty quiet in public, but not shy like I won't talk. I'm just usually thinking about the world in general and how to make it a better place. Plus I don't talk just to hear myself usually and I don't need the spotlight. Right and wrong are way over rated along with organized religion which is one of the things that needs to be changed in this world. Spirituality is something that everyone can have but religion seperates us from other peoples own different spiritualiies. I loved your journal today your unslefishness let me know that there is someone else out there going through almost the same thing that I am. I'm worried about the same things that you seem to be if I am translating your journal correctly. I've spent the last 27 years struggling to learn who I am and be comfortable with myslef. Recently I've gained some very critical knowledge about me that I was missing. With this knowledge I've come to understand that I'm changing(for the better like you) but faster than when someone grows up into themselves. Because I'm older and understand how people develope and change, that makes me want to change even faster to get to the new me that I believe will be happier and more content and fit whoI truly am. But I have come to realize that the people around me are my friends with the old me, which is fine because there are parts of the old me that will still be around in the future. But the are new things that come up that conflict with who they are and how they view and understand me. I've always been the outsider of the group that was different, but they have been use to that different. However I know that I don't have to lose them because I know that all I have to do is explain to them as I go along why and how I'm changing and that I still want them in my life if I do. If they can hear me then and accept me and the changes then they will continue to be around, if not they won't. Some may but some may not that choice is not up to me it is left to them. If they valued my friendship and love they will be there in the end. But I'm not scared of the new me or that some of them may not be there in the end. I know the new me cares more about the world and mainly it's inhabitants, and wants to do something good for all of them. And anyone who views the world in that way can't be all that bad as long as I can have the will to do something to help. Thank you for the knowledge you have led me to this evening. Love Austin