So there I was, elbow deep in polymer clay, sculpting out some custom accessories for some models. I was having a great day, thus far. Stress was melting away at a rate that can only be achieved by being alone with a meticulous, exacting, process accompanied by music and coffee.
Then the phone rang. I won't go into specifics, but basically, I was informed that a spoiled little cuntwaffle is threatening to sue my wife and I, because, well because she's spoiled and nothing is good enough for daddy's little princess.
Now, my hands are shaking. My heart rate is accelerated, and my blood pressure is up. I'm physically unable to do the one thing that's probably best for me right now, and it fucking pisses me off. Today was supposed to be my reset and rebalance day.
I hate posting negativity. I hate feeling like the only things I have to say are how shitty things are, but that's just the reality of the situation for the last three years. I hate it. I feel like a piece of shit from some outside influence, and I feel like I need to share it to keep from internalizing it and letting it eat at me. That just makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit for feeling like being a drama queen projecting the "oh, poor me" image. That's not what I want.
I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of sharing things that make people want to click the 'ignore all' button. Some days I just want to give the etch-a-sketch a good shake and start over. Other days, I just want to throw the damned thing in the garbage. I want to talk about how great things are going. I want to share creative ideas, trade academia, and help other people solve technical problems while they help me look at things a different way. I want to shout to the world "Look what I did. I'm damn proud of this. Oh, and here's how you can do it too." I don't even need to feel like every day is a day at the beach with a pia colada and a soundtrack of Iz Kamakawiwo'ole with birds and flowers and shit. I'd settle for one day a week feeling like half of that. Instead I feel like every where I turn, everything I do, just seems to bring on more and more shit. I'm so deep in shit at this point, I don't know which way is up, and I'm starting to think it's normal. I know it's not. I've been there.
Fuck, I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I just needed to do something that didn't involve fucking up more of my models than finishing.
Fuck.
Then the phone rang. I won't go into specifics, but basically, I was informed that a spoiled little cuntwaffle is threatening to sue my wife and I, because, well because she's spoiled and nothing is good enough for daddy's little princess.
Now, my hands are shaking. My heart rate is accelerated, and my blood pressure is up. I'm physically unable to do the one thing that's probably best for me right now, and it fucking pisses me off. Today was supposed to be my reset and rebalance day.
I hate posting negativity. I hate feeling like the only things I have to say are how shitty things are, but that's just the reality of the situation for the last three years. I hate it. I feel like a piece of shit from some outside influence, and I feel like I need to share it to keep from internalizing it and letting it eat at me. That just makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit for feeling like being a drama queen projecting the "oh, poor me" image. That's not what I want.
I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of sharing things that make people want to click the 'ignore all' button. Some days I just want to give the etch-a-sketch a good shake and start over. Other days, I just want to throw the damned thing in the garbage. I want to talk about how great things are going. I want to share creative ideas, trade academia, and help other people solve technical problems while they help me look at things a different way. I want to shout to the world "Look what I did. I'm damn proud of this. Oh, and here's how you can do it too." I don't even need to feel like every day is a day at the beach with a pia colada and a soundtrack of Iz Kamakawiwo'ole with birds and flowers and shit. I'd settle for one day a week feeling like half of that. Instead I feel like every where I turn, everything I do, just seems to bring on more and more shit. I'm so deep in shit at this point, I don't know which way is up, and I'm starting to think it's normal. I know it's not. I've been there.
Fuck, I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I just needed to do something that didn't involve fucking up more of my models than finishing.
Fuck.