Moving laterally
(post typing note: This went from blah to bitchfest, so read at your own risk)
So, I thought that once I finished with 72 hours a week of nightshift, I'd finally have some time. Turns out, not so much. Now that I'm actually awake during the day, there's so many more things begging for my attention: Getting the farm ready for winter, coordinating with the navy to get the rest of our stuff out of storage and finish the move, unwanted twists in an ongoing legal issue, and, most importantly, spending time with my wife. Accordingly, my online time has dwindled dramatically.
Most things seem to be going well, if not forward. I just celebrated my second "rebirth day," the Steelers have figured out how to win games again, and I've actually had time to get the camera out and shoot a little. We also went to a halloween party last night, dressed as Sally and Jack from Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas, and I walked away with the best costume trophy.
But..... There's always a but. I don't know what to think anymore. My wife has changed her mind and decided that she's in fact not comfortable with me expanding my photography into shooting models (while it's still totally okay for her to do so), and she seems to be getting increasingly fragile. I can't keep coddling her and trying to succumb to her wants. I've started putting my foot down on simpler fringe things and that's driving her off the deep end. For example, we're looking for a house, and she said that she refuses to get a house that doesn't have a minimum of cable internet - satellite isn't an option because the bandwidth is too narrow for streaming media like netflix and her online games. I tried pointing out that was silly because as technology gets better, the satellite companies will have to offer better services to stay competitive, and that within a year or two, the whole country's going to be under 4G coverage and we can just tether off our cell phones. I was told that I was being unreasonable and insensitive to her demands.
I don't like the way my pendulum is swinging. I can feel it, and this time around I actually recognize the symptoms. TOOL and Manson have replaced Jimmy Buffet and Toby Keith, My caffeine consumption is the highest it's been since I went to the hospital two years ago, and questions have replaced faith. I don't want to end up back where I was. I want to be able to focus on maintaining my health, but I feel like I'm being dragged down. Or maybe I'm just being unrealistic. Maybe in trying to stay open and flexible, I'm not providing her with the appearance of stability she needs. Maybe the hour-long commute I have gives me too much time to think. I dunno. I keep thinking about one particular date in history, my butterfly date, the date I'd go back to if I could change one thing in my own history. Saturday, June 23rd, 2001. I was hanging out with a girl named Penny, a good friend of mine, and things started leaning towards a potential romance. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't. 1) I was chickenshit. 2) I was also interested in another girl (Hey, I was 19 and horny, I'm not perfect) that I was going to be hanging out with a few nights later, so I wanted to keep my options open, as well as not spoil a good friendship. Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I ping on that day over and over again. If I had kissed her, there's no telling what would have happened, but here's my theories:
1) The girl I saw a few nights later, who would go on to become my fiance, might still be alive. If I had kissed Penny, then I may not have ever started dating my ex, which means she wouldn't have killed herself when I called off the engagement.
2) Penny might not be in her current, borderline abusive relationship. Even if nothing grew between us, it may have changed her entire dating course from that point on.
3) I wouldn't have been all fucked up following my ex's suicide, and wouldn't have rushed into a marriage that would have been best preempted by a longer dating period so I could get to know my wife better than I did when we said "I do."
Fuck. I don't want a divorce, I love my wife. But I wish she would stop driving me fucking insane.
(post typing note: This went from blah to bitchfest, so read at your own risk)
So, I thought that once I finished with 72 hours a week of nightshift, I'd finally have some time. Turns out, not so much. Now that I'm actually awake during the day, there's so many more things begging for my attention: Getting the farm ready for winter, coordinating with the navy to get the rest of our stuff out of storage and finish the move, unwanted twists in an ongoing legal issue, and, most importantly, spending time with my wife. Accordingly, my online time has dwindled dramatically.
Most things seem to be going well, if not forward. I just celebrated my second "rebirth day," the Steelers have figured out how to win games again, and I've actually had time to get the camera out and shoot a little. We also went to a halloween party last night, dressed as Sally and Jack from Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas, and I walked away with the best costume trophy.
But..... There's always a but. I don't know what to think anymore. My wife has changed her mind and decided that she's in fact not comfortable with me expanding my photography into shooting models (while it's still totally okay for her to do so), and she seems to be getting increasingly fragile. I can't keep coddling her and trying to succumb to her wants. I've started putting my foot down on simpler fringe things and that's driving her off the deep end. For example, we're looking for a house, and she said that she refuses to get a house that doesn't have a minimum of cable internet - satellite isn't an option because the bandwidth is too narrow for streaming media like netflix and her online games. I tried pointing out that was silly because as technology gets better, the satellite companies will have to offer better services to stay competitive, and that within a year or two, the whole country's going to be under 4G coverage and we can just tether off our cell phones. I was told that I was being unreasonable and insensitive to her demands.
I don't like the way my pendulum is swinging. I can feel it, and this time around I actually recognize the symptoms. TOOL and Manson have replaced Jimmy Buffet and Toby Keith, My caffeine consumption is the highest it's been since I went to the hospital two years ago, and questions have replaced faith. I don't want to end up back where I was. I want to be able to focus on maintaining my health, but I feel like I'm being dragged down. Or maybe I'm just being unrealistic. Maybe in trying to stay open and flexible, I'm not providing her with the appearance of stability she needs. Maybe the hour-long commute I have gives me too much time to think. I dunno. I keep thinking about one particular date in history, my butterfly date, the date I'd go back to if I could change one thing in my own history. Saturday, June 23rd, 2001. I was hanging out with a girl named Penny, a good friend of mine, and things started leaning towards a potential romance. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't. 1) I was chickenshit. 2) I was also interested in another girl (Hey, I was 19 and horny, I'm not perfect) that I was going to be hanging out with a few nights later, so I wanted to keep my options open, as well as not spoil a good friendship. Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I ping on that day over and over again. If I had kissed her, there's no telling what would have happened, but here's my theories:
1) The girl I saw a few nights later, who would go on to become my fiance, might still be alive. If I had kissed Penny, then I may not have ever started dating my ex, which means she wouldn't have killed herself when I called off the engagement.
2) Penny might not be in her current, borderline abusive relationship. Even if nothing grew between us, it may have changed her entire dating course from that point on.
3) I wouldn't have been all fucked up following my ex's suicide, and wouldn't have rushed into a marriage that would have been best preempted by a longer dating period so I could get to know my wife better than I did when we said "I do."
Fuck. I don't want a divorce, I love my wife. But I wish she would stop driving me fucking insane.