ok. so, if you are one of those people who read my journal and go, oh fuck, this bitch complains a lot or , shit, ZomBee is really stupid, or, god, this chick is ANNOYING.
THIS ENTRY IS FOR YOU
take what you will from it. make your assumptions, and either, have a changed perception, or, you know, fuck off.
for those of you who don't know. i have a fun array of mental..things wrong with me.
ok, right now, the thoughts some of you are thinking, shut...up.
i'm dyslexic. i have ADD. and when i say ADD i don't mean, kid goes to doctor, parents say kids acting weird doctor waves hand says "its ADD" and shoves money in his pocket. i actually have ADD. i have strange social phobias. i'm timid and scared, and i over compensate waaaaaay too much. i can come off as tough sometimes,
in reality, i'm a big wuss. i am a bowl of jello, shaking, soft, and easy to desrtoy. i'm uptight, overly sensitive, and a big nervous wreck. i fall too fast, and too hard, and i'm a jerk. i always forget to say thank you. i interrupt people constantly. i come off as rude, crass, and careless. i'm incredably clumsy. i jump to conclusions (and always the worst ones) and i'm all around....not fun to be around. people lose patience with me. people talk down to me, people are annoyed by me, people don't like me.
ok, so. these things have made life hard for me. those of you in NY know what a regents exam is, those of you outside, don't. but, ok, in 11th grade, i had to take these regents exams. a lot of them had lots of long, annoying essays to write. the english one was 6 essays. thats it. just 6 fucking essays. to someone like me, asking me to write and essay is like asking me to stand naked in front of the class and do some difficult, tedious task. of course i had the "extended time" option, but i got enough shit in high school. i was the lesbian, the weirdo with strange hair and clothes, the jew, the introvert, the asshole (the fact that i had political veiws that weren't republican got me labled as being a dick head) the only things i had going for me were the fact that i was the artist, and one of the uber smart kids. so. having to go to the "special room" and take my extended time test and having everyone think i was stupid, was not an option for me. at that time anyways. so on my test i got an 85. i was totally pissed. it was all due to spelling error, or else my test would have been 100%. the teacher was thrilled. but do you know what it takes for someone who not only cannot spell to save her life, but who's ADD is so active, that i can hardly keep one thought in my head long enough to get it down? in high school when we had to write essays, i would sit and watch everyone else jot down thought after thought, sentance after sentance and i'd be there, in my seat, my head racing too fast for me to grasp ONE THOUGHT and put it down. its embarassing being the asshole sitting there who, when 40 mins has passed, and everyone is done, or almost done, and the bell is about to ring, you're the one sitting there with three lines down. and lots of erase marks. sure, i could have taken ritalin or aderol. but my memory always fails me. i forget to do things i'm supposed to. so in order for the medicine to WORK, i'd have to take it when i'm supposed to. and i'd never remember to do it. my parents wouldn't remind me in the morning to take it before i went to school. so i'd always forget. so, you know, it doesn't work. bc it can't work like that. so after a while, i said, fuck it, and told my dad to stop bringing it home (my dad is a doctor, for those of you who don't know).
so, when i actually AM able to get my words down. they are often jumbled and misspelled and all fucked up. the thoughts don't follow through right. the material jumps back and forth. i tangent. i have three me's. the me in my head, who is eloquent, smart, quick witted, and verbose; the me that speaks, who is all of that, but also timid and shakey, so she stumbles over everything, ends up sounding stupid, and tends to just shut up. or talk too much, then there is written me. thats the me most of you know. the me that is slow, stupid, who uses simple terms and phrases, and who comes across like a psuedo intellectual. someone who tries too hard. and i mean, i am trying hard. but i'm not trying hard to be something i'm not, i'm trying hard to make perceived me and ME meet up and agree.
there is a guy i kind of do some work for. he's a good friend, and a huuge life saver. baisically what i do is all the stuff he would be doing, if he didn't have to make so much art and meet his deadlines. so, clean, type emails, laundry, run to the store, go grab food, ect. i don't mind most things he has me do, but typing out the emails....kills me. i get confused and flustered and my mind wanders and i misspell and he generally tends to get kinda frustrated with me when i do it. this sucks, and it gets me down, and it makes me feel like crap. because what he ends up doing, (which is something that EVERYONE does to me, so you know, i'm only using him as an example, not because he's just some dick, you're all dicks, so, you know...yeah) is he ends up kinda....talking down to me. like i'm a child. with that sharp hint of annoyance and frustration in his voice. EVERYONE DOES THIS TO ME . and its sucks, and it makes me feel 16 and stupid and naive and sub-par. i am constantly trying to make friends with people that are up with my mental strength. but i can't. for the most part, anyways. the ones i do make, never seem to believe i know what they mean.
i dunno. its something that i've lived with my whole life, and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of being insulted and treated like i'm stupid, when in fact, if my brain and my mouth could connect right, i could talk most people in circles.
so yeah, thats my big rant. i had a lot more to say, but i'm sick of typing.
so on a lighter note.....i am a smitten kitten
THIS ENTRY IS FOR YOU
take what you will from it. make your assumptions, and either, have a changed perception, or, you know, fuck off.
for those of you who don't know. i have a fun array of mental..things wrong with me.
ok, right now, the thoughts some of you are thinking, shut...up.
i'm dyslexic. i have ADD. and when i say ADD i don't mean, kid goes to doctor, parents say kids acting weird doctor waves hand says "its ADD" and shoves money in his pocket. i actually have ADD. i have strange social phobias. i'm timid and scared, and i over compensate waaaaaay too much. i can come off as tough sometimes,
in reality, i'm a big wuss. i am a bowl of jello, shaking, soft, and easy to desrtoy. i'm uptight, overly sensitive, and a big nervous wreck. i fall too fast, and too hard, and i'm a jerk. i always forget to say thank you. i interrupt people constantly. i come off as rude, crass, and careless. i'm incredably clumsy. i jump to conclusions (and always the worst ones) and i'm all around....not fun to be around. people lose patience with me. people talk down to me, people are annoyed by me, people don't like me.
ok, so. these things have made life hard for me. those of you in NY know what a regents exam is, those of you outside, don't. but, ok, in 11th grade, i had to take these regents exams. a lot of them had lots of long, annoying essays to write. the english one was 6 essays. thats it. just 6 fucking essays. to someone like me, asking me to write and essay is like asking me to stand naked in front of the class and do some difficult, tedious task. of course i had the "extended time" option, but i got enough shit in high school. i was the lesbian, the weirdo with strange hair and clothes, the jew, the introvert, the asshole (the fact that i had political veiws that weren't republican got me labled as being a dick head) the only things i had going for me were the fact that i was the artist, and one of the uber smart kids. so. having to go to the "special room" and take my extended time test and having everyone think i was stupid, was not an option for me. at that time anyways. so on my test i got an 85. i was totally pissed. it was all due to spelling error, or else my test would have been 100%. the teacher was thrilled. but do you know what it takes for someone who not only cannot spell to save her life, but who's ADD is so active, that i can hardly keep one thought in my head long enough to get it down? in high school when we had to write essays, i would sit and watch everyone else jot down thought after thought, sentance after sentance and i'd be there, in my seat, my head racing too fast for me to grasp ONE THOUGHT and put it down. its embarassing being the asshole sitting there who, when 40 mins has passed, and everyone is done, or almost done, and the bell is about to ring, you're the one sitting there with three lines down. and lots of erase marks. sure, i could have taken ritalin or aderol. but my memory always fails me. i forget to do things i'm supposed to. so in order for the medicine to WORK, i'd have to take it when i'm supposed to. and i'd never remember to do it. my parents wouldn't remind me in the morning to take it before i went to school. so i'd always forget. so, you know, it doesn't work. bc it can't work like that. so after a while, i said, fuck it, and told my dad to stop bringing it home (my dad is a doctor, for those of you who don't know).
so, when i actually AM able to get my words down. they are often jumbled and misspelled and all fucked up. the thoughts don't follow through right. the material jumps back and forth. i tangent. i have three me's. the me in my head, who is eloquent, smart, quick witted, and verbose; the me that speaks, who is all of that, but also timid and shakey, so she stumbles over everything, ends up sounding stupid, and tends to just shut up. or talk too much, then there is written me. thats the me most of you know. the me that is slow, stupid, who uses simple terms and phrases, and who comes across like a psuedo intellectual. someone who tries too hard. and i mean, i am trying hard. but i'm not trying hard to be something i'm not, i'm trying hard to make perceived me and ME meet up and agree.
there is a guy i kind of do some work for. he's a good friend, and a huuge life saver. baisically what i do is all the stuff he would be doing, if he didn't have to make so much art and meet his deadlines. so, clean, type emails, laundry, run to the store, go grab food, ect. i don't mind most things he has me do, but typing out the emails....kills me. i get confused and flustered and my mind wanders and i misspell and he generally tends to get kinda frustrated with me when i do it. this sucks, and it gets me down, and it makes me feel like crap. because what he ends up doing, (which is something that EVERYONE does to me, so you know, i'm only using him as an example, not because he's just some dick, you're all dicks, so, you know...yeah) is he ends up kinda....talking down to me. like i'm a child. with that sharp hint of annoyance and frustration in his voice. EVERYONE DOES THIS TO ME . and its sucks, and it makes me feel 16 and stupid and naive and sub-par. i am constantly trying to make friends with people that are up with my mental strength. but i can't. for the most part, anyways. the ones i do make, never seem to believe i know what they mean.
i dunno. its something that i've lived with my whole life, and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of being insulted and treated like i'm stupid, when in fact, if my brain and my mouth could connect right, i could talk most people in circles.
so yeah, thats my big rant. i had a lot more to say, but i'm sick of typing.
so on a lighter note.....i am a smitten kitten
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
I myself have a learning disorder. it was determined i had one, just never what it was, but it makes studying impossible, if i dont have the teacher tell it to me and we can dissuss it, i cant learn it.so lectures and studying sucks.
They found out i had it when i failed math because they took me out of it for my "Talented and gifted" classes and couldnt learn anything i missed by my self. To this day i cant divide or multiply without a calculator, or using this really weird longhand adding thing i do...but i know how to play the stock market and build a suspension bridge!
they thought it might be one of these "generalized ADD" things, so they gave me a 25 PAGE SHORT AWNSER QUESTIONARE to fill out... i started the first page...i think it's still somewhere on the floor of my room.