I didn't get canada off but I have today off. Happy long weekend 
.
I don't know what to say. I recently had a tourtured few days. It seems to come out of no where.
I'm much happier now. I just dread going back to 'that place'. I want to move on really I do... but I realize I'm just that type of person who hangs on way to hard to things. I know what I have to do, but it doesn't mean my mind follows suit.
At least the flash backs have sorta stopped. I'm at this phase where like my brain is torturing me and I'm screaming back at it. You know where you go through not only what you did wrong... but everything you've ever done wrong.
In other news, I don't know whats up with my friend. I think she's going back to her hubby. Really makes me confused. I think I have this nack for trying to help everyone and I tend to get people who need more help than I can provide. It makes me feel good though, at least I'm focusing on something other than me.
Today is my day off. I managed to waste it pretty good. Having to work canada day (wednesday) was hella badasss. There was no traffic, no lines and the day went awesome!
I started to do some projects with flash actionscript 3. (sorry nerding out). Its totally different than AS2 and I kinda like it. At least there is a challenge in my life again. I am starting to get too good at what I do it no longer excites me.
Life on my own has had some really crazy ups and downs. I mean, I really lack a friendship base... and the new friends I have made are.... well on a very different wave length than me. I mean I just don't jive with anyone.
When I went to the cottage (last weekend) I managed to make a drunken fool of myself and piss off my best friend. He forgave me (it was pretty minor) but tempers did flare for a few mins. I then proceeded to puke my brains out. We talked about how much we hate our ex's lol. It was nice to bond, but I didn't like hearing her name. I'm a little worried about losing my best friend. He doesn't seem to like me mopping around. I can't really help it. I'm just so lost in myself. And sometimes up and down. He suggested maybe I should see a shrink. I disagree... but obviously I'm hardly making progress on my own.
I mean, the last 4 months have been such a shock to my system. I feel all my nerves have been damaged and I feel emotional pain if I don't move my emotions in the exact right direction.
This is all so new to me. I don't mind it because its very much part of the experience of growing up. In someways the Gemini side of me enjoys the drama of life... just adding to the story that is me. I know I tend to only let you guys know when I'm feeling down, and I apologize. But I tend to blog to just bleed it all out you know? This enjoyment though... I'm excited to be a stronger person. I can't see the end of the gloom right now but I know that I have every right to feel the way I do. Its just how I'm handling it is what I have a problem with.
Seriously, what is emotion wrestling. I mean when I try to fight how I feel I make it worse... when I just let myself feel down I bounce back quicker. I don't like feeling down though. Why are feelings so complicated? Its not enough that there is too much 'new' in my life that I have to deal with how I feel, but I have to deal with my own unpredictable mood swings. Its annoying because people around me don't get it. I don't try and feel this way... I just do.. and I can't just pick myself up because it doesn't work. I have to let it just be and let it go after I've analyzed the shit out of it.
And I can't tell you how many times I've said "I'm better, I'm over it". Because I really have! But something always happen no matter how steady I try to pilot the ship, some obstacle is always trying to sink me... and its never major enough to really worry about. Its just I perceive it as a problem.
Yesterday I did something I never thought I'd do.... I buzz'd my chest. I have a skin thing that isn't going away but I have this stuff to put on it. I think my hair is getting in the way and I decided I'm going to do what I can to finally get rid of this god damn thing once and for all. I'm not a fucking host to other life forms. Go away! I researched it online... and everyone says the same thing. Use this stuff... but finally I read that you are suppose to keep using it which I never did after it goes away (ewww I know)
I have this overwhelming sense that I'm not happy. I feel like my last 2 years I've only gotten by on luck alone. I regret moving home so much. I have lost so much of my personality under all my shit. I really don't know myself anymore. I am living with a person who is very much not the person I use to be. I'm finding that the women who use to be in my life really stripped me away of everything I was. I mean both my mom and my ex.
I feel like a husk of a person. I'm very much just doing things that I should be doing and not really doing anything for myself. I hate all my money going towards living and having nothing for myself. I can't even get a steady supply of weed up in this place.
I keep injuring my hands. I got a blood blister at the cottage and my cut on my finger is just a reminder of how much pain I am in. I mean the scar will remind me for a long time of the pain I'm in now. I've decided I'll name it after my ex. It hurts sometimes and is numb others. Kinda how I am now.
I find so many parallels in my life. When I'm in pain my body gets injured. When something happens to me, it happens to someone else and I see the other point of view with such clarity. Obviously people react different.
In someways.... I kinda feel like the way Liv did a few months ago. Maybe not as dire. I refuse to let my daemons get the better of me. I've made progress in areas that I use to really hate about myself. In general I'm really happy. I just have a lot of mountains I need to climb.
I need to get back into some old good habits. I have't worked out in a few months, but I just moved the bowflex into a place where I can use it again..
Anyways I need to start my day (hey its 2pm).
I hope life surprises me soon. Its only been a few months in toronto... I'm really expecting a lot... but I've only been here a little while.
.
I don't know what to say. I recently had a tourtured few days. It seems to come out of no where.
I'm much happier now. I just dread going back to 'that place'. I want to move on really I do... but I realize I'm just that type of person who hangs on way to hard to things. I know what I have to do, but it doesn't mean my mind follows suit.
At least the flash backs have sorta stopped. I'm at this phase where like my brain is torturing me and I'm screaming back at it. You know where you go through not only what you did wrong... but everything you've ever done wrong.
In other news, I don't know whats up with my friend. I think she's going back to her hubby. Really makes me confused. I think I have this nack for trying to help everyone and I tend to get people who need more help than I can provide. It makes me feel good though, at least I'm focusing on something other than me.
Today is my day off. I managed to waste it pretty good. Having to work canada day (wednesday) was hella badasss. There was no traffic, no lines and the day went awesome!
I started to do some projects with flash actionscript 3. (sorry nerding out). Its totally different than AS2 and I kinda like it. At least there is a challenge in my life again. I am starting to get too good at what I do it no longer excites me.
Life on my own has had some really crazy ups and downs. I mean, I really lack a friendship base... and the new friends I have made are.... well on a very different wave length than me. I mean I just don't jive with anyone.
When I went to the cottage (last weekend) I managed to make a drunken fool of myself and piss off my best friend. He forgave me (it was pretty minor) but tempers did flare for a few mins. I then proceeded to puke my brains out. We talked about how much we hate our ex's lol. It was nice to bond, but I didn't like hearing her name. I'm a little worried about losing my best friend. He doesn't seem to like me mopping around. I can't really help it. I'm just so lost in myself. And sometimes up and down. He suggested maybe I should see a shrink. I disagree... but obviously I'm hardly making progress on my own.
I mean, the last 4 months have been such a shock to my system. I feel all my nerves have been damaged and I feel emotional pain if I don't move my emotions in the exact right direction.
This is all so new to me. I don't mind it because its very much part of the experience of growing up. In someways the Gemini side of me enjoys the drama of life... just adding to the story that is me. I know I tend to only let you guys know when I'm feeling down, and I apologize. But I tend to blog to just bleed it all out you know? This enjoyment though... I'm excited to be a stronger person. I can't see the end of the gloom right now but I know that I have every right to feel the way I do. Its just how I'm handling it is what I have a problem with.
Seriously, what is emotion wrestling. I mean when I try to fight how I feel I make it worse... when I just let myself feel down I bounce back quicker. I don't like feeling down though. Why are feelings so complicated? Its not enough that there is too much 'new' in my life that I have to deal with how I feel, but I have to deal with my own unpredictable mood swings. Its annoying because people around me don't get it. I don't try and feel this way... I just do.. and I can't just pick myself up because it doesn't work. I have to let it just be and let it go after I've analyzed the shit out of it.
And I can't tell you how many times I've said "I'm better, I'm over it". Because I really have! But something always happen no matter how steady I try to pilot the ship, some obstacle is always trying to sink me... and its never major enough to really worry about. Its just I perceive it as a problem.
Yesterday I did something I never thought I'd do.... I buzz'd my chest. I have a skin thing that isn't going away but I have this stuff to put on it. I think my hair is getting in the way and I decided I'm going to do what I can to finally get rid of this god damn thing once and for all. I'm not a fucking host to other life forms. Go away! I researched it online... and everyone says the same thing. Use this stuff... but finally I read that you are suppose to keep using it which I never did after it goes away (ewww I know)
I have this overwhelming sense that I'm not happy. I feel like my last 2 years I've only gotten by on luck alone. I regret moving home so much. I have lost so much of my personality under all my shit. I really don't know myself anymore. I am living with a person who is very much not the person I use to be. I'm finding that the women who use to be in my life really stripped me away of everything I was. I mean both my mom and my ex.
I feel like a husk of a person. I'm very much just doing things that I should be doing and not really doing anything for myself. I hate all my money going towards living and having nothing for myself. I can't even get a steady supply of weed up in this place.
I keep injuring my hands. I got a blood blister at the cottage and my cut on my finger is just a reminder of how much pain I am in. I mean the scar will remind me for a long time of the pain I'm in now. I've decided I'll name it after my ex. It hurts sometimes and is numb others. Kinda how I am now.
I find so many parallels in my life. When I'm in pain my body gets injured. When something happens to me, it happens to someone else and I see the other point of view with such clarity. Obviously people react different.
In someways.... I kinda feel like the way Liv did a few months ago. Maybe not as dire. I refuse to let my daemons get the better of me. I've made progress in areas that I use to really hate about myself. In general I'm really happy. I just have a lot of mountains I need to climb.
I need to get back into some old good habits. I have't worked out in a few months, but I just moved the bowflex into a place where I can use it again..
Anyways I need to start my day (hey its 2pm).
I hope life surprises me soon. Its only been a few months in toronto... I'm really expecting a lot... but I've only been here a little while.
Some one else said exactly the same thing! I'm thinking on working on a slime character after finishing the site as a sort of logo
I think This might help.. I first heard about it on here actually, It really helped me at one point.. I never practiced it propperly just dabble now n then.. but whilst reading up on it it tells you whilst trying to not think of anything you shouldn't surpress any thoughts that bubble up and follow them through to their conclusion..
this actually helped me because whenever I started thinking about something sad to do with the ex I'd try and distract myself.. When I started following the thoughts through to thier logical conclusion though I started looking at everything differently.. instead of what was and what is It lead to what will be.. all positive, Give it a go.. worst that happens is you waste a few hours relaxing
but dude naming a scar after your ex is pretty fucked haha