Do you ever find yourself so torn that you can't make heads or tails of yourself anymore?
I wish I had a facebook chat with my friend that I could copy & paste here. I would call him my Buddhist friend because we have talks that are really philosophical. I told him:
"Despite the fact I'll have the apartment of my dreams, my dog, probably a cool TV, and a cool new car... not to mention a job that I know will make me happy; I still finding that I know that this decision overall... will not make me happier. Its still the same shit of consumerist mentality. I'm buying my happiness. These aren't the things that I know will make me happy. Yet, I don't see any other choice but to wander onto this path for the simple reason of survival. I find myself depressed with the concept because I know its a different type of depression there as it would be here."
I feel deep down that I probably lament the fact that I won't be moving in with my ex. I know that this apartment probably isn't for her nor is the lifestyle or location. I know that if things were different... I wouldn't be doing this. But I know this probably wouldn't have happened without the other things happening. I think I regret most is not being able to get everything I want.
I want to be with my ex g/f. I want my mom to be happy and comfortable. I want to be working at my new job. I want the benefits that come with working at a real job (just the financial ones like a credit rating). I want to live in the country where I can walk my dog freely. But obviously, I can't make this work with all parties involved. I think that no matter how much I think I am the master of my universe... I really not even a well positioned pawn.
In the end, the tides of life really show you who's boss. You really are just a ship out to sea swaying about trying point your ship one direction and maintain a course, but the ocean just has its own way of making you go where it wants. The only time you can control your direction is when things are calm.
The older I get, the more I realize the less and less I really know. It makes me uncomfortable.
Today, I saw an old acquaintance from high school. He use to do a lot of drugs. I was talking to him, and he seemed happy in his factory job in town (the only major factory in town). He seemed very happy at a job that would make me miserable. I think I'm doing something wrong.
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I haven't heard from the ex. It bothers me because I worry that she is not doing okay. I realize though, that even if she is not doing okay; shes not talking to me for a reason. I've reached out a little. I really hope that this isn't one of those things where you have to try hard. Its just not my style. I just can't force myself onto someone. It feels wrong. I don't want to seem needy either. She's done nothing, and somethings to push me away. I am getting a big fat sign "Back the fuck off"
I don't think I've done anything to push her away. In fact, I've done everything I can to make it seem like I really wanted to be friends despite feeling truly conflicted on the issue.
===================
Lastly,
The working out has been going well again. A quick visit to the personal trainer and a break from the gym has yielded great results. I reached 189 which puts me 9-14lbs of my goal. I'm starting to drink protein shakes before bed which is actually putting muscle on. I'm very surprised. When I started college, I made a goal to be healthy for a year. I'm going to make the same goal. When March 7th rolls around next year, I'll see if I want to continue this portion of my life style.
I am concerned because I think that since I'm closer to 30 than I'm further from it.... I should be preparing my bad and metabolism for change. I'm conflicted; because I don't want to live to be 80. I know that as long as my body & lifestyle keeps up, I would work out constantly. But I'd love to look good for my age no matter how long I live.
I guess I am just looking for a sign now. Some idea how I should direct my life. Some idea as to where to go and what to do with myself. I love some parts of my life, but really is this it? Living alone in Canada's largest city? Have I reached my important goals already?
[EDIT]
Stopped by the apartment to drop off the lease. Took some pictures. Check it out.
I wish I had a facebook chat with my friend that I could copy & paste here. I would call him my Buddhist friend because we have talks that are really philosophical. I told him:
"Despite the fact I'll have the apartment of my dreams, my dog, probably a cool TV, and a cool new car... not to mention a job that I know will make me happy; I still finding that I know that this decision overall... will not make me happier. Its still the same shit of consumerist mentality. I'm buying my happiness. These aren't the things that I know will make me happy. Yet, I don't see any other choice but to wander onto this path for the simple reason of survival. I find myself depressed with the concept because I know its a different type of depression there as it would be here."
I feel deep down that I probably lament the fact that I won't be moving in with my ex. I know that this apartment probably isn't for her nor is the lifestyle or location. I know that if things were different... I wouldn't be doing this. But I know this probably wouldn't have happened without the other things happening. I think I regret most is not being able to get everything I want.
I want to be with my ex g/f. I want my mom to be happy and comfortable. I want to be working at my new job. I want the benefits that come with working at a real job (just the financial ones like a credit rating). I want to live in the country where I can walk my dog freely. But obviously, I can't make this work with all parties involved. I think that no matter how much I think I am the master of my universe... I really not even a well positioned pawn.
In the end, the tides of life really show you who's boss. You really are just a ship out to sea swaying about trying point your ship one direction and maintain a course, but the ocean just has its own way of making you go where it wants. The only time you can control your direction is when things are calm.
The older I get, the more I realize the less and less I really know. It makes me uncomfortable.
Today, I saw an old acquaintance from high school. He use to do a lot of drugs. I was talking to him, and he seemed happy in his factory job in town (the only major factory in town). He seemed very happy at a job that would make me miserable. I think I'm doing something wrong.
===================
I haven't heard from the ex. It bothers me because I worry that she is not doing okay. I realize though, that even if she is not doing okay; shes not talking to me for a reason. I've reached out a little. I really hope that this isn't one of those things where you have to try hard. Its just not my style. I just can't force myself onto someone. It feels wrong. I don't want to seem needy either. She's done nothing, and somethings to push me away. I am getting a big fat sign "Back the fuck off"
I don't think I've done anything to push her away. In fact, I've done everything I can to make it seem like I really wanted to be friends despite feeling truly conflicted on the issue.
===================
Lastly,
The working out has been going well again. A quick visit to the personal trainer and a break from the gym has yielded great results. I reached 189 which puts me 9-14lbs of my goal. I'm starting to drink protein shakes before bed which is actually putting muscle on. I'm very surprised. When I started college, I made a goal to be healthy for a year. I'm going to make the same goal. When March 7th rolls around next year, I'll see if I want to continue this portion of my life style.
I am concerned because I think that since I'm closer to 30 than I'm further from it.... I should be preparing my bad and metabolism for change. I'm conflicted; because I don't want to live to be 80. I know that as long as my body & lifestyle keeps up, I would work out constantly. But I'd love to look good for my age no matter how long I live.
I guess I am just looking for a sign now. Some idea how I should direct my life. Some idea as to where to go and what to do with myself. I love some parts of my life, but really is this it? Living alone in Canada's largest city? Have I reached my important goals already?
[EDIT]
Stopped by the apartment to drop off the lease. Took some pictures. Check it out.
It took a great deal of work to remain friends and now we're better than we've been in a couple of years when we were together.
it's not that you have to try hard you just have to give yourself space untill You're ready, you also need to stop considering her feelings.. It's probably the hardest part and it will feel like a douchebag thing to try and do, but i assure you it'll help no end and is what needs doing, Its time to look after yourself more than anything.
I miss the gym I can't afford it since uni but a good workout always made me feel better ^^
Part of me can't help but wonder that when people say material goods don't make them happy/ier it might be because they're unhappy in other aspects of their lives and think that because they have nice things that could bring them happyness (not deep seated emotional well being but at least comfort and enjoyment) it causes guilt and might be used as a scapegoat (blaming themsleves for being to materialistic and greedy).
I think the parallel if you question weither you're crazy or not you can't be crazy fits the bill, people who worry about being materialistic arn't materialistic they're just worried they may be lacking in other more emotional based areas (which you linked to the ex).
Just random ponderings.. not analysing you or anything sorry lol.
Yeah I know what you mean.. good luck n I hope it goes well