opticnerve

Tonight, I wrote down on 2 pages of paper the list of all the things about MJ that made me fall in love with her. I printed all the emails I've ever received from her, gathered all the photos of her and letters from her, and, along with this list, put them in a cardboard shoe box. I rode to Kitsilano Beach, and, on a isolated stretch of sand, dug a shallow pit and placed the box at the bottom. I took a can of lighter fluid and sprinkled a generous amount of it into the box. I opened my Zippo lighter and placed the flame to a few sheets in the box. As I watched the glowing embers from the burning pile float up into the cool spring night, I felt the oppressive heaviness that had been on my heart the last few days (months, really) relent. It was like this act of immolating all my physical momentos of MJ made me face the fact that she will never be in my life. Accepting that this was my new reality made me realize that holding on to all the regrets over the lost opportunity of marital happiness and the resentment over my ex-fiance's rejection were less than useless to me. No amount of angst would bring her back now; nor would I want things to go back as they were, even if she wanted a reconcilliation, now that I think about it.

In those final moments as the papers became completely blackened ash, I knew that I was going to be okay. I know there will be moments where she'll pop in my head and I'll get wistful and mopey for a spell, but I think those spells will become shorter and more infrequent as the days go by. Time heals all wounds (or wounds all heels), right?

I think I was as much in love with the idea of getting married as I was in love with the idea of marrying MJ. I know, I know, a slacker like myself who makes and plays video games for a living, who counts his boards (surf, snow, skate) amongst the items without which he can live, and who can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than lying on a verdant field of grass under a sunny blue sky reading comic books, in love with the idea of marriage? Even I was skeptical before I met MJ, but I guess stranger things have happened. I'm not going to let the fact that I was dumped by a girl after she accepted my marriage proposal make me down on love. I am, as the French say, a hot piece of ass, and I'm going to make a girl pretty happy one day. It's not that day, though, and I'm cool with that, because, you know, I have a pretty good life.

Thanks to my mom, my dad, my sisters and my brother for the words of consolation and encouragement. You stuck by me even when I lashed out at you in my disappointment. Thanks to my real life friends who put up with my emo self, when they, by all rights, should have slapped me in the face and told me to get over myself. Thank you, SG people, for all the kind blog comments and the supportive private messages as I vented my problems in this forum. All of you did not have to take the time type words of comfort to a stranger, but you did and I am grateful. No matter what anybody says about any of you, you are salt of the Earth people in my book.

For the first time in weeks, I'm eager for what comes next.