I don't expect anyone to understand this blog.
Mostly because, I don't understand it either.
I've been brewing an ancient medicine known as Ayahuasca.
I've been shown things I never knew existed. Seen things of life that rang true to my heart.
A very brief history to myself and how I approach life is simple. I've always wanted to know more. If I had to choose one question it would be WHY?
Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why have I let myself suffer? Why I have tortured myself this long?
At first it pissed me off, I lived quite a few years in disdain and disbelief.
I became ugly. I always thought I was ugly. And no one wanted me. I lived my life like that for years.
Ugly...stupid.....inept.....
It's damaging to live like that for too long. It rots your soul. You wake up day in and day out without purpose, and you have no real reason to continue living.
All the things that are valued in life, finding a mate, getting a good job , taking care of them, you can't do that if you are the Elephant Man. and if you've never seen the Elephant Man...it's a great movie.
I felt like the Elephant Man. worn, disgusting to humanity, and tired.
You can start to devise schemes or excuses to letting yourself remember that just because no one would ever want you doesnt mean you can't do something with yourself.
and i believed that. Yeah, no one wants me. That's ok. I'm the ugliest fucker on the planet. fuck the planet.
I got anger on my side. It led me down further, to destruction. Anger is a blessing in disguise.
It's wrath will lay down anything in it's path.
My admittance is....i'm just a fucking coward. at least I was.
Now, after Ayahuasca. I don't know what I am. that doesn't bother me.
I feel closer to who I am.....and i still don't know what that is. That doesn't bother me.
Maybe I should try harder, maybe i should dream harder. Crap! I love my dreams too much.
I hear songs i heard in my youth......i remember myself when i was younger.....what am i doing?????
The only thing i respond to is music. I love writing....although it's a love/hate relationship.
For me to write the really good songs....that really kick ass....i have to be honest with myself.
that hurts. it hurts alot sometimes.
I am my own worst enemy.
I've held myself down for so long it's routine....its expected.
Ayahuasca broke that bondage. Now, i'm shell shocked......and lost.
I used to identify with the bondage.
Now, i'm standing alone....i dropped most of my beliefs.
Where do I go from here?
I 've always prayed for finding a woman who could help me....help me to love me.
I know I'll find her eventually....
because, I'm a fairly decent guy. I mean, yeah....i'm a normal guy in the sense of .....indoctrinated.....I love football and beer....and I love video games....and I'm quite popular with many guys.....i'm funny...and ironic in a weird masculine way.
Every girl I ever wanted...their boyfriends loved me. this is true!
I enjoyed their company......I'm really a guy's guy.
Aya...has shown me my realer side. softer..gentler.....and more benevolent.....in tune to my artistic side...
the side i rarely show.
that's probably why im so scared to actually continue with the band and write my heart out.
I coudlve had some girlfriends in my time. In truth....i've had none.
I dont want a girlfriend now.
I just want someone to share my laughter with.....and to hug and kiss.
I've been living an endless repetition of lonliness.
it can wear you down. I'm not sad about it any longer....now...i'm not.
I just wonder to myself now....how can this be? I'm really a good guy. I have a good heart.
I've wondered out loud to myself. Do i have to get this band going by myself? write some hits.....get going....do it myself....i suppose.....
i'm slightly scared by the whole thing...and that makes me feel inadequate.
I almost want to feel disheartened but i dont. because I feel things will turn out right....eventuallty.
that makes me sad. i feel sad about that. it will eventually turn out right. right....like when im 80.
fuck.
i feel shit...and no one bothers. ive always felt things.....and had concern for others.....what has that gained me?
stop feeling...and it will all be ok.
fuck that.
im damaged goods being shipped to heaven. once i get there...fuck all of you.
much love regardless,
kris
openchakra.com
Mostly because, I don't understand it either.
I've been brewing an ancient medicine known as Ayahuasca.
I've been shown things I never knew existed. Seen things of life that rang true to my heart.
A very brief history to myself and how I approach life is simple. I've always wanted to know more. If I had to choose one question it would be WHY?
Why is there pain? Why is there suffering? Why have I let myself suffer? Why I have tortured myself this long?
At first it pissed me off, I lived quite a few years in disdain and disbelief.
I became ugly. I always thought I was ugly. And no one wanted me. I lived my life like that for years.
Ugly...stupid.....inept.....
It's damaging to live like that for too long. It rots your soul. You wake up day in and day out without purpose, and you have no real reason to continue living.
All the things that are valued in life, finding a mate, getting a good job , taking care of them, you can't do that if you are the Elephant Man. and if you've never seen the Elephant Man...it's a great movie.
I felt like the Elephant Man. worn, disgusting to humanity, and tired.
You can start to devise schemes or excuses to letting yourself remember that just because no one would ever want you doesnt mean you can't do something with yourself.
and i believed that. Yeah, no one wants me. That's ok. I'm the ugliest fucker on the planet. fuck the planet.
I got anger on my side. It led me down further, to destruction. Anger is a blessing in disguise.
It's wrath will lay down anything in it's path.
My admittance is....i'm just a fucking coward. at least I was.
Now, after Ayahuasca. I don't know what I am. that doesn't bother me.
I feel closer to who I am.....and i still don't know what that is. That doesn't bother me.
Maybe I should try harder, maybe i should dream harder. Crap! I love my dreams too much.
I hear songs i heard in my youth......i remember myself when i was younger.....what am i doing?????
The only thing i respond to is music. I love writing....although it's a love/hate relationship.
For me to write the really good songs....that really kick ass....i have to be honest with myself.
that hurts. it hurts alot sometimes.
I am my own worst enemy.
I've held myself down for so long it's routine....its expected.
Ayahuasca broke that bondage. Now, i'm shell shocked......and lost.
I used to identify with the bondage.
Now, i'm standing alone....i dropped most of my beliefs.
Where do I go from here?
I 've always prayed for finding a woman who could help me....help me to love me.
I know I'll find her eventually....
because, I'm a fairly decent guy. I mean, yeah....i'm a normal guy in the sense of .....indoctrinated.....I love football and beer....and I love video games....and I'm quite popular with many guys.....i'm funny...and ironic in a weird masculine way.
Every girl I ever wanted...their boyfriends loved me. this is true!
I enjoyed their company......I'm really a guy's guy.
Aya...has shown me my realer side. softer..gentler.....and more benevolent.....in tune to my artistic side...
the side i rarely show.
that's probably why im so scared to actually continue with the band and write my heart out.
I coudlve had some girlfriends in my time. In truth....i've had none.
I dont want a girlfriend now.
I just want someone to share my laughter with.....and to hug and kiss.
I've been living an endless repetition of lonliness.
it can wear you down. I'm not sad about it any longer....now...i'm not.
I just wonder to myself now....how can this be? I'm really a good guy. I have a good heart.
I've wondered out loud to myself. Do i have to get this band going by myself? write some hits.....get going....do it myself....i suppose.....
i'm slightly scared by the whole thing...and that makes me feel inadequate.
I almost want to feel disheartened but i dont. because I feel things will turn out right....eventuallty.
that makes me sad. i feel sad about that. it will eventually turn out right. right....like when im 80.
fuck.
i feel shit...and no one bothers. ive always felt things.....and had concern for others.....what has that gained me?
stop feeling...and it will all be ok.
fuck that.
im damaged goods being shipped to heaven. once i get there...fuck all of you.
much love regardless,
kris
openchakra.com