if nothing had changed it wouldnt be life
if everything hadnt changed it wouldnt be my life
its too long to talk about all ive lost since my last update.. and as would follow suit to long to talk about all im working on gaining, but im breathing, centering, and finding peace.
things will be different. im changing what i can.
last night i was smoking a cigarette on a porch swing with steven. he said something about his busy weekend ahead.. then at some point when i was appearing to reflect on his busy weekend ahead i was pulled into a vortex of thought. i clearly remembered being in jamaica. i remember walking, or racing, around to get everything done i had to before it was 'shutdown' time. the time when everyone must be in bed and not talking to avoid 13+ hours of listening to weird tapes while staring at the wall. after about 6 months in the reality that you and i know to be 'life' dissapears along with any recollection of what that kind of life is like along with the acceptance that 'that life', or this life to us, even exists. then, shortly after comes the day when you wonder 'did i just dream of life outside'.. 'was it ever real'... i would try to lay in my bunk late at night as still as possible and thats when i would visualize that i was laying in bed in that 'other world', that free world.. the world where you werent lulled to sleep to the sound of girls begging for help. i would pretend i was laying in bed next to the man i loved and had been taken away from.. i would wonder if he was dreaming that i was next to him as i tried to project my spirit further and further away from my prison.. 'they' or that place had broken my soul, broken my spirit, broken my heart and broken my mind.. but for these few minutes every night i was free, and they couldnt take that away from me.. no matter how hard they tried. to be as honest to my emotions at that time as i can i will say i never thought i would leave. i was convinced i would die there in that nazi style prison. i would try to imagine my life outside.. then as i sat on that swing.. smoking my cigarette i realized 'i made it', 'i did it', 'i got out' .. and now this is my life. it can seem so fucked up.. the most terrible things can happen but i have a choice.. when life tries to imprison me as that place so far away in jamaica did i can go somewhere in my mind.. some place peaceful. and now, unlike before, i have the choice to do everything i can to change things. i made it, and everything will come to pass.. just as will my life. and then.. just as before i can start a new chapter... but everything.. even my current situations.. will come to pass.
X
Onie
p.s.. shelly and D.. i did get my christmas/ bday gift.. hehe.. thanks so much! i love it!!!!!!
if everything hadnt changed it wouldnt be my life
its too long to talk about all ive lost since my last update.. and as would follow suit to long to talk about all im working on gaining, but im breathing, centering, and finding peace.
things will be different. im changing what i can.
last night i was smoking a cigarette on a porch swing with steven. he said something about his busy weekend ahead.. then at some point when i was appearing to reflect on his busy weekend ahead i was pulled into a vortex of thought. i clearly remembered being in jamaica. i remember walking, or racing, around to get everything done i had to before it was 'shutdown' time. the time when everyone must be in bed and not talking to avoid 13+ hours of listening to weird tapes while staring at the wall. after about 6 months in the reality that you and i know to be 'life' dissapears along with any recollection of what that kind of life is like along with the acceptance that 'that life', or this life to us, even exists. then, shortly after comes the day when you wonder 'did i just dream of life outside'.. 'was it ever real'... i would try to lay in my bunk late at night as still as possible and thats when i would visualize that i was laying in bed in that 'other world', that free world.. the world where you werent lulled to sleep to the sound of girls begging for help. i would pretend i was laying in bed next to the man i loved and had been taken away from.. i would wonder if he was dreaming that i was next to him as i tried to project my spirit further and further away from my prison.. 'they' or that place had broken my soul, broken my spirit, broken my heart and broken my mind.. but for these few minutes every night i was free, and they couldnt take that away from me.. no matter how hard they tried. to be as honest to my emotions at that time as i can i will say i never thought i would leave. i was convinced i would die there in that nazi style prison. i would try to imagine my life outside.. then as i sat on that swing.. smoking my cigarette i realized 'i made it', 'i did it', 'i got out' .. and now this is my life. it can seem so fucked up.. the most terrible things can happen but i have a choice.. when life tries to imprison me as that place so far away in jamaica did i can go somewhere in my mind.. some place peaceful. and now, unlike before, i have the choice to do everything i can to change things. i made it, and everything will come to pass.. just as will my life. and then.. just as before i can start a new chapter... but everything.. even my current situations.. will come to pass.
X
Onie
p.s.. shelly and D.. i did get my christmas/ bday gift.. hehe.. thanks so much! i love it!!!!!!
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
take care, Gorgeous.
--O
i think we have a few dates in GA
if you can make it out to any of them, definitely let me know
you can find the dates on my myspace
http://myspace.com/networkthug
[Edited on Mar 26, 2006 5:09PM]