onie

i just awoke from the most horrifying dream... if you are faint of heart or very sensitve please dont read this. this is long to.. it starts off mild and gets really fucked up.. soo... here we go.

i woke up at 5.00am i decided to take a nap a couple hours ago so id be moderately rested for when steven gets off work. i woke up around 4.45am then grabbed a blanket and went back to sleep. this is the deram i had.

i was at the mall (i should say i may go to the mall once or twice a year at most, however i went the other day with my sister and mom on there day out together after all i hadnt seen my mom in well over a month.. or my sister). so here goes as follows.

i was at the mall. i was walking around past shops and everything.
i go to this one tiny shop that had 3 chairs set up near the front entrence door to the shop. in the far right chair is theocean (which is exhusband #2), in the middle is Nate (which is ex husband #1), and on the far left is Steven. nate is looking a bit crazy and talking to theocean trying to convince him of something he clearly believed in. i kinda look at steven and raise my eyebrows while nodding my head like 'yep.. this is them' ... and he gets his eyes really big .. the ones that say 'holy shit.. what am i doing here'. id walked up with a friend. at first i just stood outside the store by the door and watched nate talking to will for a minute. then me and my friend walked in. theocean cuts off nate and says .. 'oh this is so-and-so' in an attempt to change the conversation. she goes to shake his hand and he stands up to give her a hug. she seemed a bit uncomfortable but hugged him back. i thought he may try to hug me next which i was going to do. not because i was worried hed flip out if i didnt but because he had been a big part of my life for so long. and i still care about him, but he didnt try to hug me. so nate sits back down and keeps talking to theocean and my 'friend' i look over at steven slide sideways run my hand down his arm and into his hand in one smooth motion and grab him and pull him up and run outta the store with him.

we are walking around the mall and at some point i have a kitchen knife in my hand. it was one of those long, seregated knives with the two fork things coming off the end. shortly after we are flying around the mall (actually flying) by his ability to fly, not my own but he is keeping me up. i still have the knife in my hand but im trying to keep it to myself to keep from hurting people as we fly by them. while flying by we pass this guy with a hat on and i accidently bump him in the head with my hand (not the knife) and he says something like 'hey watch what your doing' and pulls his hat off.. he has some growth on his head that looked like a tumor or one of those things that some kids have that are the growths that keep growing and are filled with blood and viens and its dangerous to opperate.. i felt bad and looked at him and said.. 'your gonna get the help you need, your going to be okay' and he just smiled and said 'thanks' .. i realized i had some fruit on me and as me and steven got a little ways away i told steven to stop and i pulled out an apple and called to the guy and tossed the apple to him as a play on 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' kinda thing and he just smiled and nodded that he understood.
so we move on.. we go around the mall and come back to the shop were the exhusbands and friend were at. the door is shut and i can hear who is one of my bestfriends (erin) screaming and it sounds muffled like shes being choked but he has her against the door.. and i freaked out and ran to the door and was trying to open it. the door opened up a little bit again and i saw him choking her.. so i keep trying .. then the door opens and he is now choking my son. it was one of those moments .. that desperation of 'i have to save my baby' i had the diaper bag on which is more like a one strap backpack/messenger bag kinda thing).. steven grabs it and was holding me back from getting there.. i told him to let go and he did. when i got to nate theocean had one of his arms and erin had the other arm and ethan was just standing on some table in front of them looking at nate.. i screamed for them to pass ethan to me whom i promptly passed to steven. then i ran in and got him off erin who he was choking again.
he seemed to enjoy fighting me. but in a really weird way, like he was enraged yet turned on. so now hes sitting in a chair and im on top of him punching him. he starts to make some motion of fucking me while i was on top of him. then he flips us around so now my back is against the chair and im pushed into it. he puts his hand around my throat and started to squeeze. i thought about how i wasnt gonna let him kill me. so i did what my mom has been telling me to do since i was a little girl. fight dirty.. go for the crotch. so i did. he was obviously in pain but only temperarily stopping the attacks.
finally i get him to a point where he stops and is in pain. (things get a bit fuzzy at this point but they will clear up shortly after.. dream memories can do that for me). anyways.. i recall i have that knife.. the one with the seregated blade. and i go and get it. i come back and theocean and others are standing outside. i ask him where nate is.. if he is dead. he said he was on the floor and he thought his name was rico (or something like that indicating that he had been beaten so bad that he actually forgot who he was) .. some girls are trying to close the lock-up gate but it keeps opening back up. i decided to go back in and take care of shit myself. he is laying on the ground on his stomach on the right side of the store.. i see a babies arms shaking viloently under him.. i realized he was laying on a baby and run over and lift the back of him up (like those moms who lift cars off their babies).. it wasnt my son.. it was a younger baby and i grabbed him and went to the door and asked whos baby it was. some woman said it was hers so i gave her back her child.
i turn around and look back at the store and nate is now starting to move but still weak..i go and stand on his pelvis wearing really pointy heeled shoes.. as another attempt made earlier to keep him in pain and down. i grab the knife and run over and kneel down next to him and slice his throat open but its not a very deep wound. he starts to move and choke on his blood a bit so i took the pronged end of the knife and stab him in the ribs and i think again in the stomach. i get up and walk out of the store to find my son and see if he is okay. i found will with him and another baby and he was playing so i decided to go back to the store. i saw my aunt standing my the door looking at him and she comes up to me and asked if he was dead.. i proudly announced id slit his throat altho when i left him he wasnt dead. then i realized i wanted to make sure he was dead. he lay there motionless on the floor of the store.. now in the middle to right side of it. i kneeled down again and started sawing on his throat.. the knife went in quickly.. about three saws into it his eyes opened up and he looked horrified. i quickly stopped, because i couldnt bear to continue after seeing that look in his eyes. but he was going to die and very quickly.. i went outside the shop with the knife still in my hand and closed the lock-up gate, and immediatly collapsed on the floor against the door blawling my eyes out. i had just killed a man i loved. the emotional pain i felt for what had just happened and what i had to do was indescribable. i just lay there thinking about him crying. i tried to leave as i shake crying uncontrollably but i couldnt get up .. i could just slowly drag my body across the floor. i felt like i had just killed a part of myself. the knife still in my hand. on my stomach screaming and crying on the floor. (picture kill bill vol.2 .. when she is in the bathroom at the end.. laughing relieved, and crying in pain of losing someone she loved dearly (minus the laughing.. but feeling relieved a little and a lot of regret for what i knew had to happen).. thats as close to the intensity of the pain i felt that ive seen.. really it was much worse).

then i woke up.


i still feel sad. he is going to prison for a while after burning the churches down. he has done a lot of crazy things, but he doesnt belong in prision. he needs help. he is mentally troubled. it breaks my heart to see him in his current situation. he is a good person. my heart breaks for him. i want to be there for him. but i dont think i can.

Onie

me and nate in the prime of our relationship back in 1999