onie

on the topic of fuck.. derrrr

some thing,.. perhaps at sometime in this history of my psychological breakdown or even yet makeup... seems my condescending personas is often ill interpreted. as a defense and to my defense it kicks in.. it kicks in my face, my mind, my heart, my "true to oneself" nature. then backs off just a quickly to leave me... without speach, without a glimps of what to say. and there i am.. in that moment. nervous, scared, human.. my true self that i will deny being. that i will hide away.. that i pray no one is awake enough to see but that i live with... day in and day out.
i often question human nature or, as would define it better, human tendancies. that which you cannot have seems so much brighter.. much more golden than that which you can... that which is laid before you. i am not this way. but it seems i am not of common mindset.

lost its luster.. its void.. what i thought was something.. is nothing

i decided to lose the surprise i often have felt when people cant seem to see what they are. i often see so much potential in people. falsity displayed on the streets. 'breath. please just breath' i think to myself. i hope they will. but instead.. plastic. easily defined, easily catogorized. 'breath. please just breath' i think to myself again. this time trying to convince myself to stop holding my breath till my skin turns blue and peels off my flesh which then falls off my bones and collects in a pile on the floor. my 'faith' would probably be the first part of my body to fall off. i wonder if skin can be peeled off.. i supose id let 'faith' stay if only for the memory of when it was my character. perhaps i will cover it up when i get my leg tattooed... but first sleeves.. and chest.. and of course back before those. covering up my faith. im now contimplating if that is a metaphor..

i still cant sleep.. now matter how much im awake

i had the day off work today. i fucked off (surprised??). and then decided to do some research on a fellow emplyoee who had done some on me. 'know thy enemy' ..
what i found.
my assumptions perhaps were wrong. or .. my reservations were misplaced (using MISPLACED by its definition.. which is still placing them.. just in the wrong place). i read this persons blog. i saw a piece of this person. not sure what piece that was.. but it relayed a side of depth, sensitivity and intelligence. no longer just a pretty face. the kind of person i could probably enjoy a conversation with. i stop and wonder how much of my lack of desire to open up.. even in friendships is laziness, or fear.. i suppose it depends on the occassion. perhaps its a psychic intution of warning.

ill probably add on to this in an hour or so.. right now. i lack the desire to press keys anymore.

huh.. i think this post sounds about 2 degrees more emo than im feeling.. i dont really feel emo.. just contemplative and unconcerned. emotionless more than emotional.

X
Onie

wondering whos hiring

my add on for the time being... i think the movie Secretary is one of the most beautiful movies ive ever seen. altho such a fantasy exists only in the mind.. that two people could save eachother in such a beautiful way.. a girl can dream cant she.. <---- thats about as girly as i get.. so enjoy. it doesnt happen often.