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onesecondmore

Member Since 2002

Followers 7 Following 4

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Thursday Aug 21, 2003

Aug 21, 2003
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more and more often i find myself unable to find any meaning in my place in life.

most of the time i can just shut the thought out, concentrate on right now and not the bigger picture.

every day we see reminders of how truly short life will be for many of us. i don't want to feel like i'm wasting that. unfortunately, wasting time is all i do. i'm at work, then home, then bed, then repeat. if im lucky, i get to hang out with my friends along the way, spend some time with my family, but not as much as i should. i guess i have some control over that, when my job doesn't consume my waking hours.

mostly, i'm just lethargic and don't feel like doing anything on my days off. i blow things off', procrastinate, or just don't do things i should.

my social life, and social skills for that matter, are mostly a joke. i don't go out, and if i did i'd be out all alone. no one wants to just go out to a bar or club and just hang out or see bands or if not meet new people, then people-watch, anymore.

i used to just go out alone anyway, but it became too much of a hassle. i always felt like the creepy guy there by himself. i'm sure that's just how i see it. i've always been shy and insecure. i dont see much in myself that anyone else can find interesting. the fact i've had any relationships with the opposite sex amazes me. i guess i can take something away from the fact that every girlfriend i've had approached me first, but stil i can't seem to feel confident about that. i don't think i have a negative self-image, i think i'm just being realistic.

i don't know anymore. most of the time i feel like just giving up, lowering my head and trudging through the next 4-5 expected decades that remain in my life. it doesn't make much sense to be discontented and want more out of life when it seems to not be possible.

now watch, something will happen tomorrow that changes my entire opinion of things. pessimism and optimism engage in a daily, sometimes hourly struggle in my head.

everyone says i just analyze things and think them over way too much. maybe.

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